Today’s Lesson

Ok everybody. . . Gather ’round. Kids especially. Comfy? All right. . I have something to tell you:

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITH ANYONE AT KNIFEPOINT!!!! IT NEVER ENDS UP GOOD!!! KICK!! SCREAM!!! RUN IF YOU CAN AND IF YOU CAN’T THEN CLAW SOMEBODY’S EYES OUT!!! BUT DO NOT GO UNDER YOUR OWN POWER!!!

I am, of course, talking about the college student who was abducted in Wisconsin. Somehow she turned up alive, but the odds are if you leave with someone at knife or gunpoint, you will never be seen alive again. This case is an anomaly.

I know it’s easy for me to talk because I’ve never had anybody pull a knife on me. . . . . Oh wait. . . Yes I have. But it’s not the same, because in those cases that person wasn’t trying to abduct me, they just wanted to kill or horribly disfigure me. Fortunately they did not succeed because apparantly I’m indestructable. . . or maybe it’s that I can bob faster than my ex-wife can weave. . . but whatever. The point is that a kidnaper’s worst enemy is attention. So I’ve taught my kids to run, scream, and claw their way out. Make sure to teach your kids this as well.

That is unless you think decomposing in a barrel in a remote location is your idea of fun. If that’s the case then, by all means, go with the abductor.

COFFEE JIHAAD!!!!!!!

I’m issuing a fatwah, declaring a Jihaad against all Coffee Infidels! By Coffee Infidels, I mean those Disbelieving Fools who would dare Drink of the Last Cup of Coffee from the Office Coffee Pot and Shirk their Duty to Make a New Pot. Now, in Orthodox Islam, the term Shirk signifies the Greatest Sin which means to Associate Others with Allah (subhana wata’alla). But this coffee shirk, while not quite up the level of the Highest Sin, must be pretty damn high in and of itself and is worthy of some Horrible Punishment.

This is no idle mental exercise. I’m dealing with one such case in my office today. It got so bad I almost decided to stop participating in the coffee club here at work. . . But screw that, I’m not at fault. So I thought instead to issue a Fatwah and call forth Fire From the Sky on these Coffee Shirkers. Or at least gain assistance from Hamaas or somebody.

Those of you who have been on the losing end of the actions of one or more of these Coffee Infidels know what I mean. So it’s not quite a Fatwah if I have not set forth some sort of proposed punishment for these actions. I’ve thought of the old standard, burying the villian up to his neck in sand and then stoning him or removing his fingernails, making him listen to track after track of Spice Girl albums. . . . but I need something worse. So feel free to respond giving me new ideas. What should be the punishment for Coffee Shirkers?????? Come on, give me something bad. Real bad.

The End of the Pool League Season

Tomorrow will be the last pool league game for our season so there is some extra incentive for us to do well. We’re fighting for final position in the rankings and we want to finish on a positive note. My team’s female player Lauri prepared by FALLING DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS this weekend. Hmmm. . . It wouldn’t have been my choice for a training method but oh well, whatever works. When asked about her unusual training style, Lauri had this to say:

“Oopsies, ow! I think I broke my rack!” 

Ok, she didn’t really say that, but it would have been funny if she did.

Unfortunately that’s all the lies I can think up at this time. I’ll blog more if I think up some more later.

Coincidence?

Am I the only one who has noticed this? I’m looking at this picture of the new Hamas leader and it strikes me as kind of eerie that the picture of the recently deceased Hamas founder Ahmed Yassin in the background looks a lot like Gandalf. Now I’m not saying that the guy is gonna come back to earth with all sorts of magic powers but if I was the rest of the world I’d kind of watch out. The good news is that the new guy doesn’t look very magical at all. He just kind of looks like a cheap knock off of Fidel Castro.

I went to aljazeera.com to try to get the Arab word’s take on the whole thing but I forgot I don’t read the little squiggleys. I found the aljazeera english page and they pretty much say the same thing CNN does except instead of incursion, they say things like rampage, and instead of civilian casualty they say dead child. Which side has the Orcs seems to be a matter of point of view. I’m just glad I’m watching from way over here.

(Here comes the hate mail)

Sex Education

The schools have evidently been teaching my kids sex education stuff. My eleven and eight year olds were repeating some blather about babies, the reproductive system, and the penis. I corrected them, telling them that the proper name is doo-hilly. My daughter spritzed Squirt onto the floor when I said that. I have to use more care when I repeat Phelpsisms.

CHEESE-US CRIES!!!

I’m about sick of these Catholics in the office having a panic attack every time I say “JESUS CHRIST!” just because it’s Lent. Number one, they insist that I’m blaspheming. I say I’m not. I’m just saying ‘Jesus Christ’ and if that’s blasphemy then we need to ban the freaking Bible. They say I’m not using it in the same way the Bible uses it and I insist that, given that we never heard the Bible in its original form, how can we be sure the entire thing wasn’t saracastic? Ok, that last part may be grasping at straws but dammit I know my intent when I say what I say and I despise that anyone else has the nerve to tell me what I really mean.

I mean, I’m all for religious freedom and all but these are people who truly believe they’re drinking blood and eating flesh every Sunday and they have the nerve to lecture me on ethics??? I say they’re free-speech quashing hatemongers! Jeezimy H. Cricket, I don’t know what to do about this! I don’t bother them if they eat six bags of pork rinds during Ramadan but suddenly I’m suppposed to adopt their worldview because it’s Lent??? F that, I have a hard enough time living up to my own ethics (and if you think it’s easy, then YOU try living up to the credo of a Mexican Muslim ex-wanna be player with Libertarian leanings. Every three days I get the urge to bomb MYSELF!!)

You know what, screw this, I have work to do. If they don’t like my language, they can just go to purgatory or go bomb an abortion clinic for all I care. I’m out. Nobody reads blogs on Friday nights anyway. Tomorrow I’ll write something more relevent. Peas!

I’ve Been Seeing Other Blogs

This struck me as funny. I post this for two reasons: I want people to laugh, and I also want to see if I’m doing this trackback thing right. I trust someone will let me know if I’m not.

WTF?

I don’t believe this even as I type it. If you got bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons, would you file a lawsuit? Would you want anybody to even find out about it??? I wish I was the judge in this case. I would call both sides up to the bench and I would slap the plaintiff one more time and tell him to get the hell out of my courtroom. If you get bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons and you let him get away with it, it’s your own damn fault. Sheesh. What’s next? Vanilla Ice gonna get on a Black History Postage Stamp?

Nostalgic

Last night I got home after pool league play a little after midnight and I suddenly had the desire to call my ex-wife. I hadn’t talked to her in nearly a year but I dialed her Detroit number from memory. I spent four years of my life with her and she’s the mother of my favorite child Bilal (yes, I know I’m not supposed to have a favorite but that’s asking the impossible). I didn’t know if she’d be up but sure enough she picked up the phone sounding bright and friendly, effervescent even. “Hello?” she chimed.

SLAM!!!!!!

She never calls me, so I had to make my own opportunity to hang up on her.

In other news a white police officer was given a suspended sentence and probation for shooting a black man who was spread-eagle and lying face down at the time. It’s nice to know that justice will be done. What do you get for killing a Mexican? A $50 fine?

Losing grip on reality. . . . lost will to blog. . . . must drink coffee. . . or die.

Experiment

I need a bunch of people to try this. . . I’ve already tried it but a true scientific study must be replicated just to show it’s not a fluke. You guys all do this and tell me the results.

Take a rubber band, any old rubber band that you would find in your office, and bite down on part of it. Now pull the other half and stretch it away from your face as far as you can pull it. . . make sure it’s taut or this won’t work. Ok, now LET IT GO!

What happens?

In other news I slept with the light on all night because I spent all yesterevening reading Dracula. Spooky castle, I kept waiting for the Mystery Machine to pull up.