BOOBIE WARS!!!!!!!

The Boobie Wars will commence as soon as I get a cleavage shot of Lauri. I already have one of Amanda but it would be unfair to post it right now as, in the classic tradition of Boobie Wars, both sides must walk 20 paces then turn around and present at the same time. Since this is on the net, we shall dispense with the paces but they shall be presented simultaneously.

Blog visitors will each vote once. Fake blog trolls may vote as many times as they like providing they come back with a new fake persona each time. Boobies shall be judged on size, firmness, aesthetic quality, talent, and originality. In the event of a knockdown, the other boobs must go to a nuetral corner and there will be a manadatory 8 count. When I call break, break clean. Obey my instructions at all times. Ok, touch gloves in the middle, may the best mammary win.

Oh wait, we can’t start until I get a cleavage shot. Well we’ve got the rules out of the way anyway.

We now go to Larry Merchent, George Foreman, and Emmanuel Stewart for some pre-fight analysis:

Larry Merchent:

I think what we’re seeing here is going to be interesting in that these two women, while representing different cup classes, if you will, are both looking to bring the best of their respective divisions to the table. Amanda, obviously, is going to have size and power on her side. Lauri, on the other hand, is going to be a little more enigmatic. She was at her prime maybe two months ago and in the best condition of her life for Booby Wars. Since then, however, she’s gone down from the welterweight division down to a lightweight. Some would say what she’s losing in size she’s going to actually pick up in speed. How do you see it George?

George Foreman:

I’m going to have to disagree with that point right there. Speed is alway going to be a factor, but the key to this fight is going to be experience. You gotta remember that at her age, Amanda’s been carrying around these puppies since the end of the disco era. She’s been in there and tussled against the all time greats. She’s stood toe to toe with Tooty, she’s warred with Dolly Parton in her prime, and the experience she brings into this. . . that’s something that cannot be taught. Couple that with the fact that she knows all the old tricks of the trade, I think Lauri is gonna have more than she can bargain for on Saturday.

Emmauel Stewart:

You know we can analyze this until the cows come home, but in the end I think what’s going to make the difference is the training. Lauri’s camp has gotta be coaching her to get right in this and use her speed to go for the quick knockout. Four rounds is what they’ve gotta be shooting for at best. Because I tell you, if it gets into the later rounds, fatigue is going to become a factor. This is not so much a case of whichever side wants it more as it is going to be about who is going to be able to dictate the pace of this fight and the ability to fight it on their own terms. Lauri is looking to impress the judges with speed and number of hits. Amanda has gotta be looking for those power shots. Whichever way it falls, it’s gonna be a good one.

So there you have it folks. That’s about all we have for now. Don’t forget to be there this Saturday night. It’s gonna be showtime and we’re all looking to see a good show. Until then, this is the Mexigogue and you are. . . whoever you are. Good night!

Intellectual Whores

This dude created a philosophy about his experiences as being a dude women like to have around only to fulfill their base intellectual needs. He says since they want him around him only for his mind he has become an intellectual whore. Look at this line from intellecutalwhores.com

Later in life I started encountering a certain breed of woman. To begin with they never wanted to sleep with me. Now, this by itself is okay–not all women will want to sleep with me. However, this particular breed wanted to have me around to talk to and to make them laugh, because I was so “entertaining” and “funny.” Some of them went so far as to describe our relationship as that of “friends”, and a few even had the audacity to talk to me about problems they had with other guys.

Later I realized what had been happening. I was being used for their amusement and entertainment while they were busy fucking outlaw bikers. Of course they weren’t interested in me sexually; they were too busy with guys with forearm tattoos. But apparently they still needed some intellectual stimulation. That’s when they would call me with an opening line like “Tell me something interesting.” or some other not-to-subtle line. I recalled the term intellectual whore and applied it to this situation. These women had made me into their intellectual whore. Since then I have dedicated a large part of my life to avoiding this trap, and the various bitches that try to put you in it.

This has something to do with The Ladder Theory which I’ve heard about before but never got into. So I’m finally reading it. I usually hate interpersonal relationship shit but this stuff is kind of interesting. The ladder theory is good because it makes me laugh. And after all, isn’t that what it’s all about?

Oh no wait, I forgot. It’s all about the hokey pokey. I must blog about the hokey pokey tomorrow. Forgive me hokey pokey gods, I’ve lost my way!

To the D

I’m going to the D today. Everybody let me know if you need liquor or hair care products Two to one I’ll have another jive turkey for lunch.

I quit being a degenerate drug user yesterday. I feel great now (minus some shakes and nasuea). I had some REALLY messed up dreams though. I think my id and my superego are having another switchblade fight and it ain’t pretty.

I’ll probably update this when I get there. For right now I gotta go. Piece.

(haha, I mean peace)

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Pool Tournament

Dave hasn’t been on in a while so I can only presume he met with an untimely death. Anyhoo, here is my yesterday in a nutshell:

I was one under par coming onto the 15th hole and I’m only two strokes out of the lead. I am playing the best golf of my life and I didn’t want to muck it up. As I’m studying the approach to the green, my phone rings. I’m being told the pool tournament is about to start at Leroy’s and I better hurry up. I put the Mario Golf game on pause and rush off to the spot.

There were only five of us for the tournament but we decide to play anyway. For my first opponent, I draw ‘bye’. I love being matched up with that motherfucker because he never shows up!!! I think he’s scared of me. I end up skipping right into the 2nd round where I have to play Ken.

I get one shot away from the 8 and Ken runs out on me. I lose, but since it’s double elimination I’m still in the hunt. Not bad but kind of demoralizing.

My third game I play evil Chuckie Walker. I lost $5 to him back in 1997 at The Point After and I’m still awful sore about it. I beat him in the grudge match and things are going better. He’s eliminated so in my next game I play this other dude and beat him too. That’s all good because I lost to him last week. More vengeance.

Now I’m in the finals against Ken and since he’s in the winners bracket he only has to win once whereas for me to win I have to beat him twice. The first game I end like a champion, running like my last 5 balls off the table and sinking the 8 in one turn at the table. Now it’s sudden death and the pressure is on.

The championship game I take another lead and then sink my last few balls whack, whack whack. . Hmm. . . That last whack has me looking to drive that 8 ball down the rail for a win, the whole enchilada. But the angle is funny. I’ve never won a tournament before so I’m like oh yeah this is cool. I’ve arrived. I line up, calm, cool. Shoot the shot. Barely misses but not only that I also scratch. Ken has ball in hand on the 8 so I just roll the damn thing in for him. Dammit.

On the upshot, I get home at the end of the night and continue my golf game. I sink a 30 foot putt to salvage par on the last hole and win the tournament! New course unlocked!!! WOO HOOOOOOOO!!!

Name Change for Jap Road

I love news stories like this. Beaumont Texas recently voted to change the name of Jap Road which had orginally been named in honor of a Japanese family that introduced rice farming to the region 100 years ago but which recently had stirred controversy because the term Jap has now taken on the connotation of a racial slur.

Without weighing in on whether or not this was the right decision, I would like to point out that it’s funny how words develop negative connotations where none originally existed. My daughter said something about bad words once, to which I responded “Words are neither positive or negative in and of themselves. They only have the value that people attach to them.” Ok, I’m kind of biting off of Shakespeare’s “A rose by any other name” thing here but you get the idea.

There was once a question of whether or not it was ok to refer to Jewish people as Jews. Some people found it offensive in the short version. Others, even Hebrews, said it was quite ok. Jewish, OK. Jew Ok too. Japanese. Ok. Jap, bad. Hmmmm. . . . So it’s not the shortening itself that makes the word bad, I think it has more to do with World War II than anything else. After all, we don’t really have a beef with Thailand so it’s still ok for us to refer to Thai food and Thai people.

Then there’s words like retard. You can’t say that anymore or shit will hit the fan. Hey, don’t call that guy a retard. Say he’s slow. Well check it out the American Heritage College Dictionary’s definition for retard:

re tard 1. A slowing down or hindering of progress.

Hmmm. . . You can’t call someone a retard, which means slow, but you can call them slow. Okie dokie.

When I was little people used to talk about getting gypped out of something. I didn’t know then that it was a reference to the gypsies, who are famous for, among other things, gypping people out of stuff. So I think it’s wrong to talk about getting gypped. Ditto for using the term Jew as a verb.

So in conclusion, these retards in Beaumont just changed the name of a road which gypped the Jap family for whom it was originally named. Hey, I think that would have been a better title for the article. What to jew think?

Oh Holy Day

Heh heh heh heh heh! I did it! I finally got a digital camera this weekend and at first I thought it wasn’t going to work. I asked Lauri on Saturday if I could bring my camera down to Leroy’s and take her picture. She said no and I was distraught. $179 down the tube. But yesterday. . . Ha HAAAAAAA!! Yesterday she had a change of heart because she told me to go ahead and bring it. So with out any further ado, here it is my people. A picture of Lauri’s rack for the blog!!! I am the freaking DOG!!!!

Economics

Ok kids. See the title of this blog entry today? It’s economics. Not Lauri’s boobs. Not shooting cum into her eyeball from a hidden spot in a tree. It’s not Lauri jumping up and down, her racking pool balls butt ass neckit on a webcam. It’s economics. M’kay? Now that we’ve got that settled, we can continue.

Now I can yammer on about a lot of things with a very narrow knowledge base, which is to say I can bullshit my way through a lot of debates, but economics is not one of them. In order to seriously discuss economic policy on the macro scale (did I say that right?), you have to really know your stuff. Oh you can try to bullshit your way through it all right, but if you don’t know what you’re talking about you’re gonna end up sounding like that loudmouth non-pool player sitting in the corner bellowing about how Nate just shot at the wrong ball.

I actually tried my hand at debating economic policy in 1996 when I was Courvoisier’s roommate. You know what? I got dusted. He knew his stuff and I didn’t. When I got on INTJ-Open, I kind of sat there and watched when people debated monetary policy. I asked what I should do in order to understand this stuff better. I was told (among other things) to get a college economics textbook. It turns out I already had one in my house so I read it. . . and read it. .. . and read it. Now I have this to say.

First off, morally speaking, if you reach into your own pocket to help the needy, that is admirable. If you reach into your neighbor’s pocket to help the needy, that is stealing. There is no way around that. Even if you did it with an elected representative and a majority vote, taking money from someone withour their consent is wrong. Your motive can burn in hell.

Second, if you’re one of these people who think we should tax the haves in order to help the have nots, you should know this: High tax rates stifle investments because capital gains gets taxed all to hell. So if you are “The Rich” and you see that the tax rates have gone up again, why bother to invest in business at all? An investment is a risk and even if you do better than breaking even you’re still going to lose out through taxes so why not just put your money in the bank to gain interest. Hooray for the poor. We’ve just stopped moneybags from making lots of money on a business investment. But:

With less money invested in new business ventures, less people are going to get hired. There is less money circulating through the economy (and money is to the economy what blood is to your life). Moneybags doesn’t even get enough to buy that car for his daughter. That means Dave doesn’t get to finance that car. Dave is then too broke to go to Leroy’s. Not only does the unemployment rate go up but the Chicken Wars never end. You see how this works?

Perhaps I’m oversimplifying but the underlying premise is sound. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s see what this guy has to say:

“An economy hampered by restrictive tax rates will never produce enough revenues to balance our budget – just as it will never produce enough jobs or profits.”
– John F. Kennedy

On that note, I think I’m going to end this. Just remember. The subject today is Economics. Not boobs. Not hooters, tits, nipples, puppies. . . or . . . dammit. I forgot what I was talking about.

Trees

Last night I wrote an outline for what I was going to blog about today. I was going to write about some environmentalists I heard about who hammer nails into trees so that when the loggers start cutting the trees down it causes their chain saws to break. I was going to write that this was a violation of property rights and that property rights are the foundation of all rights. I was going to write that the negation of property rights means the end of a free society where people deal with each other by mutual consent and that it replaces it with a world where people deal with each other by force. But then I decided to take a different tack.

I’m still against the environmentalists on this one but the reason is because trees are the devil! Trees have more rights than people, there are more of them than there are us, and they need to be stopped before it’s too late. And for those of who who think I’m being reactionary and alarmist, must I remind you of the apple-throwing trees and Dorothy’s narrow espace in the Wizard of Oz?? How about the out of control Ents in The Return of the King? Hey, I fell out of a tree once and I got all fucked up on the way down (no ugly tree jokes please.) And for those of you who think of trees as being all benign and peaceful, I have two words for you: Sony Bono!

Those mothefuckers need to be thinned out. In a perfect world we would do away with all of them but I know the Hippie Feminazi Liberal Left is going to start hissing “We need to breathe! We need to breathe!” Shut up! Why don’t you and some pine trees go get a room, leave the rest of us alone! You don’t want the trees chopped down, then buy the damn land. Failing that, leave people’s property alone and go smoke some weed.

Hey wait, why do hippies say it’s wrong to chop down the trees but they can burn cannibas? Hmmmmm. .. Damn I’m deep!

Race Conscious Society

I shave myself baldheaded and keep the goatee. I’m told “You look scary. You look like a terrorist.” I’m like “What about that guy in Evanesence. He’s baldheaded and he has a goatee. Does he look like a terrorist?” “No, but Michael, you’re not white.” Oh. I see.

A black chick I was going to school with came in to class all distraught one day. She felt terrible, she said, because when she was crossing the Kalamazoo street bridge she passed a black male on the bridge who was walking towards her on the same side of the bridge she was on. They were the only ones in sight and when he passed her she instinctively clutched her purse. “I can’t believe I did that” she says. “We spend all this time getting mad at white people for acting like that around black males and I go and do the same thing myself.” “Valencia” I say, “It’s not about him being a black male. It’s about you being a female and him being a male who you do not know. You would like to hope that everyone you meet is good but you cannot presume that.”

Dave shakes a white guy’s hand. The white guy, when he thinks Dave isn’t looking, wipes his hand off on his pantleg. Racist? Or maybe Dave had sweaty hands. Who knows? I’ll be damned if I know and I might as well flip a coin. The point is that this has got to be one of the most race conscious cultures in the world. Phelps just lent me a book that quotes Spike Lee as saying when he sees an interracial couple he gives them a look like daggers. Ok fine. But keep in mind, trying to stem interracial relationships is a tall order. You might as well try to stop the continental drift.

Race consciousness is unavoidable in this country. We’re born into it, it’s not a question of fair or unfair, it just is. If I walked into a math exam unprepared and not knowing anybody and I had to copy off somebody’s paper I’m gonna sit next to the Asian guy. If you live in the US and you say you don’t notice race then you’re lying. But first impressions aside, you judge a person on the merits of what they say and do. Do this and after a while it will cease to make a difference if when you first saw me you thought I looked like a terrorist.

(but if you keep treating me like a terrorist you know I’m gonna have to blow you up, I’m just sayin’. . .)