Safety Patrol Confessions

As a fourth grader at Post Oak Elementary School in 1979 I finally attained my lifelong dream of becoming a member of the Safety Patrol. I was excited and full of youthful exhuberance. I was going to be a force for truth and righteousness. My fellow Safety Patrol rookies and I were going to change the world for the better. This was idealism at its best, before the proverbial shit hits the fan and the real world stink starts to set in.

Post Oak Elementary would have been a primarily white school, about 97% white except that they bussed us minority kids in from The Bad Neighborhood. Integration meant that some of the middle class and white was supposed to rub off on us but we pretty much maintained our lower class cliques.

There were three of us from the bad neighborhood who had been selected to Safety Patrol: Kim Cox (the black chick who would spring giant breasts like Tootie at a later date but back then she was still stringbean), Todd Meisner (bad kid from a poor white family), and me. The Safety Patrol was our big chance to show ourselves as forces for law and order rather than for mayhem (which we were previously known for).

Suffice it to say that the things you see on Safety Patrol will blow your mind. They will make you jaded. You slowly start to lose your faith in humanity. After a while (at what point you might not know, it just seems to be a downward spiral) it’s no longer about protecting and serving. It becomes us against them. Somewhere along the line you lose your way. Whether it’s getting stuck by a needle when you’re shaking down the local junkies for lunch money, or it’s turning a blind eye when your partner plants contraband on one of the local troublemakers, you begin to lose your sense of truth, your very soul.

I remember one particular instance where Kim, drunk on the power of being a sixth grade safety, ordered a little white middle class kindergartner to STOP for no reason as she walked along the sidewalk. The little girl stopped obediently and waited for the 20 seconds or so until Kim decided to give her the command to walk again. The girl walked another 10 steps or so when Kim again yelled STOP!!! The little girl stopped and waited until Kim was good and ready. This continued for about five minutes, probably totally fucking up this little girl’s schedule and scarring her for life. It was all good and fun except that little girl has got to be in her late 20s now and probably working in the Human Resources Department somewhere where she shitcans every application with a Shaniqua or a Tyrone on it. Funny how the things you do today can marinate a good 25 years before they come back to bite you.

My point is that policing another part of the world often starts out with good intentions. But when things go wrong (and they are sure to after a while) people tend to remember them for a long time.

(And they say I don’t write about politics)

37 Responses to “Safety Patrol Confessions”

  1. Mexigogue says:

    woops, just amended that. It wasn’t when I was a sixth grader, it was when I was a fourth grader.

  2. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    You forgot to mention 2 important aspects of Safty life in the Lansing area. #1 the annual safty picnic at Francis Park! That looked like it was the bomb. I never went ’cause I was a football player and therefore to cool for you safty geeks. #2 what about the lives you guys saved making sure kids didn’t cross the street. Maybe that kindergartner hates black people now but she could be alive today because Mexi did a slow motion noooooooooooo, and knocked her to the ground as a 1975 Pinto was bearing down on her.
    I lived on a different side of the whole bussing thing. I lived in a all white neighborhood and my kindergarten class was all white except for me. Then the next year they bussed in the some minorities from Willow street school. The kids from my neighborhood took it pretty well. We were 6 and race didn’t play much into our playground ideology. The good part about the whole busing expirment is that alot of us are still friends to this day. Most of us would have never met until JR high school where race did start playing a role in who you hung out with. Holy crap I can’t say for sure but a Liberal social experiment seems to have gone right

  3. Mexigogue says:

    We were supposed to help kids cross the street??????????????

  4. The "D" says:

    Man I swear you guys think I am lying sometimes but get this.

    I was finally approved for Safety Patrol in the 5th grade at Barton Elementary School. Man I was the shit. The whole hook was to get the chocolate milk before school everyday That was the shit even though it was hot water with chocolate flavor and sugar. We were the bomb. Especially if you were able to fold it just right and have it hang on your belt all day.

    Well one day I write a kid up for telling me to fuck off after he jaywalked. I worked the corner of Wisconsin and Mackenzie streets. So I write the kid up and give it to the principals office. The kid got punsihed immediately. (2 swats from the gym teacher).

    The next day I am out on my corner and get jumped by thee kids. It was fucked up! They kept telling me that I better not write up another motherfucka on that corner again. Man it was a nightmare!

    So FUCK the “SAFETY Squad” these kids were in Jr High too! I later told my cousins about it and they found the guys but that did not help my sore ass. Man it hurts now talking about it.

    Anyway I learned from my anger management class tthat I need to talk about stuff like this.

    Sorry if it annoys people but this keep me from going on killing sprees and shit like that!!!

  5. Mexigogue says:

    You seem to have taken an inordinate amount of beatings in your life. Something would be wrong with you if you weren’t angry by now!

  6. The "D" says:

    That is the life of growing up in Detroit. They leave you alone once you learn how to fight. Which happens from getting whooped. Catch 22 is what I think they call it.

    Now I just sneak up on people at night when they leave their parents home on Sunday. It works all the time! They never see me coming!

  7. Nice Rack says:

    There weren’t many fights in Owosso, so I can’t relate. The only time anyone ever wanted to beat my ass, it was a 15-year-old lesbian who got pissed cuz I made fun of her for looking like a boy, and not dating. Damn, I was a bitch back then too. Maybe I should rethink my outlook.

  8. Mexigogue says:

    Don’t change a thing Lauri, you’re a completely loveable witch.

    (I can’t bring myself to call you the b word)

  9. Phelps says:

    I never got picked for safety patrol because I was white, and it was a black school. If they had picked me, there would be a bunch of people screaming, “why did you make the white kid the cop?” and the principal would be all, “because he is the only one that hasn’t been hit by a car or hit someone with a car this year” and then everyone would start bitching about the principal using technicalities to cover his racism.

    So they just picked kids who had both been hit and hit people with cars to make sure they were fair to both sides. And it was something like 11 girls and 1 boy, IIRC. That was wierd.

  10. Nice Rack says:

    I try to be loveable, though it seems a few females are having issues with me these days. I love you to death D, but for some reason your woman seems to have taken offense to me, as well as panty man Mike’s woman. What is fucked up is that they were both nice to me when Shawn and I were together. We broke up and I started getting the cold shoulder. I don’t even feel like I can talk to you guys anymore when they are there, cuz I just get attitude. I don’t know what to do. L snaps at my face, and K snaps behind my back. Do I bitch them out or just ignore it? I don’t want to bitch cuz I enjoy being friends with you two, and I don’t want either of you to be forced to choose sides.

  11. Mexigogue says:

    Quick clarification, panty man Mike is Mike Ryan. Not to be confused with the Mexigogue.

  12. Nice Rack says:

    Sorry Meximan, I didn’t mean to make that unclear

  13. Mexigogue says:

    Well it’s one thing for me to say I’m listening to Betty Hutton. . . but if people thought panty man had become my moniker, they would really begin to wonder about me!

  14. Phelps says:

    The only fight I ever got into in Elementary school was with a kid who was even whiter and dorkier than me. I kept hitting him trying to get him to hit me back, and he wouldn’t. He was in the 4th grade and sucked his thumb. It was sad. (And I started it, too.) I got jumped once, but the guy only hit me once in the back of the head and ran. I called him a chickenshit motherfucker (big deal for a 5th grader) and chased him, but I wasn’t sure which one in my double vision to chase, and he got away. I still don’t know who he was. I didn’t recognize him as anyone I knew.

    Then the only fight I was in in middle school was with a little short half-black half-white kid who kind of kicked my ass. He COULD have beat my ass, but he was already a known trouble-maker and didn’t want to hurt me and get kicked out of school, but I kept getting up and embarassing him. I was convinced that I could win if I just wanted it more than him, and since he ran off, I guess I did. Maybe he had just seen Rocky or something and was afraid I was wearing him out so I could tear him up in the 12th round. (I think I started that one, but I don’t remember.)

    I got into one semi-fight with a kid in High School, but that was weird because our school expelled you if you got caught fighting, so everyone would fight and then act cool if someone said “teacher” so there wasn’t the usual crowd or anything. It was great. We would act like we were just walking around, circling, and then all of the sudden we would start swinging at each other for a few seconds, and then he would dance away (which is why I won) and then repeat. Eventually, I was winner by decision because I kept saying that I didn’t care about getting expelled and he was obviously afraid of it. Hell, why was I worried about being expelled? I had already cut something like 40 days that semester. That one was started mutually.

    That is my entire fighting career, excluding of course the thousands of fights that I had with my brother (2 years younger than me.)

  15. Phelps says:

    Wouldn’t NR be better described as a Bar Wench than a witch?

  16. The "D" says:

    Hey “L” don’t worry about those people. I would not take any shit from Shawn when you two were going out. Speak your mind and act normal . You don;t have to cut up just make sure they know not to talk to you if they dont like you. I hate back stabbers. That is why my circle is small.

    TB and Phelps are hilarious. I am glad I am not the only one with issues.

  17. Mexigogue says:

    I was afraid to fight Shawn Bettis in the 4th grade. I kept sneaking out of school by the other door until one day he said I liked Mary Mejia and THAT was the last straw (becuase I really did like her) so I went out back with him and fought him.

    This motherfucker was in the 4th grade and looked like he was on steroids! Looking like fucking Popeye or something. I’m thinking maybe he just looks tough. Then he hit me and I’m like MOTHER OF GODDDD THAT HURTS!!!!!!! But I gave back whatever I could and before you knew it this little white girl said ooooooooooooh, im tellin’! So Shawn goes “We were just playin’! Come on yo, let’s get on the bus!” and we left like it was nothin’. I never had to fight him after that.

    Thank god for that white girl. Oh and when the class pictures came out, turned out his real name was Aubrey! I almost got my ass kicked by a dude named Aubrey!

  18. Nice Rack says:

    It’s not that I don’t like them, I just don’t like being treated like that. I have never given them any reason to dislike me, but it seems they do, and after some of the shitty comments that have been made towards me, the effort to be nice that they occassionally make seems completely fake. I hate it when people who act friendly show their true side. It gives me little faith in trying to form friendships with anyone. And I can’t tell anyone to fuck off D, cuz that’s just not my style, unless I’m kidding of course. And TB, I like the name Bar Wench, it probably fits just right. Should I change my little code name on here?

  19. Mexigogue says:

    It’s funny how much thought people put into which online name to use. I used to be AbuMalik2 on AOL. Then I was MexiMuslim. I had a MexiHindu alias I would have comment on the list and I’d argue with myself. Then I wanted to be a demagogue so when Phelps told me I had to come up with a blog name I had the name within seconds. Dave should be David Banner. Haha!

  20. Phelps says:

    I always figured it would be MexiMuslim. I was ready to do that (I think I even had it entered in) and then you threw me this curve.

    The funny thing is that I didn’t put any thought into this name at all. Way back in the day (1995 — that was way back in the day on the internet) I needed a name for a spy character I was going to play in a MUD. I picked Phelps (after Jim Phelps). I quit playing the game and kept the name. Haven’t changed it since (which is why I am psudonemous rather than anonymous. If I changed my name all the time, it wouldn’t be a proper nom de plume.)

  21. Mexigogue says:

    MexiMuslim is too descriptive. I don’t want to be pigeon-holed.

  22. Phelps says:

    Stop being a pigeon then.

  23. Mexigogue says:

    Don’t be a hole.

  24. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    I change my name all the time I like the variety. I started out as sideshowvan back in 96′ then went to greatkhan when I was trying to see if I could start a cult which didn’t work so I tried name based stuff like gvannes, gvannest, garyvannest, vannesga for several years I’ll be the first to admin my imagination is very limited. I went through another weed smoking spell in the summer of 2000 and that along with old “The Tick” reruns helped me come up with EvilBomber which changed to MadBomber that led to evil_gary then to ass_monkey. I out grew ass_monkey and became ass_gorilla then I chilled awhile @ gvslim got bored with that and changed to Sir Courvosier that was cool until I was reminded of a funny “train” incident and I have been reborn as “guy in the UNLV jacket”. I think I’ll stay like this for a while

  25. Mexigogue says:

    I wonder if Celeste is somewhere posting as “CHOO CHOOOOOOO!”

    (or alternately, All Abooooooard!!!!)

  26. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    I say you go into Leroys with some sort of firearm and shoot 4 random people when anyone disrespects you. If you get disrespected again then you off 8 civilians next time it doubles to 16 etc…..This will either get you some respect of a highly publicized war crimes trial. In either case nobody will mess with you again

  27. Mexigogue says:

    Aren’t you the guy who used to advise Colin Ferguson?

  28. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    Yeah he fired me and went with Colin Ferguson. I loved that guys trial.

    Colin Ferguson(speaking to victim/witness): “What happened on the subway mam?”

    Witness: “You shot me”

    That guy was classic!!!!!

  29. Mexigogue says:

    OH shit!! I just sprayed milk out of my nose. . . and I’m not even drinking milk!

  30. Nice Rack says:

    I don’t own a gun, so I’ll just let my titties pop out of my shirt. That ought to win some respect, lol.

  31. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    Ok repleace shoot with, Slap them with your boobies! I know Mexi and “The D” will love that………

  32. Nice Rack says:

    The point isn’t really to injure anyone, just to have a chance to show by boobs.

  33. Mexigogue says:

    do you hab a code? haha!

  34. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    You should come out to Phoenix, I have just the place for boobie showing….

  35. Nice Rack says:

    A hotel room or a tittie bar? Just wondering if you are planning to enjoy them yourself, or try to make some money off of them.

  36. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    I would enjoy them for myself. Believe it or not I am very selfish when it comes chicks. The trains were all with chicks other people have found. The only person I would share with is my wife and she isn’t into boobies!

    Mental note: get wife into boobies

  37. Phelps says:

    Hey! NR should start calling herself White Debbie!