American History (1620 – 1999)

1620 – The Pilgrims, seeking to escape Europe as it has become “too Puerto-Ricany”, land on Plymouth Rock

1689 – English philosopher John Locke takes time out from doing British stuff in order to compose Two Treatise on Government.

1775 – My Marine Corps came alive

1776 – Thomas Jefferson plagiarizes John Locke’s political ideas in order to write the Declaration of Independence which he plans to use in order to impress Sally Hemings.

1865 – President Lincoln was assassinated by a southerner who was angry that the NCAA had not yet devised a way to figure out a proper national championship which left two undefeated teams as co-champions

1929 – Little Orphan Annie started the Great Depression, an act for which she was promptly punished by having her eyes gouged out

1938 – Neville Chamberlain scores 100 points against the New York Knicks but his team loses anyway and Hitler gets away with Czechloslovakia. Nice going STUPID!

1941 – Saddam Hussein attacks Pearl Harbor

1945 – The US ends the war by dropping the atom bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Japan responds by inventing Pokemon.

1964 – Malcolm X and Martin Luther King gun each other down in a drive by shooting at the Elks Lodge in South Lansing. John F. Kennedy is hit by a stray bullet by a guy who shot the parking lot up because he was denied entrance to the club.

1973 – Bruce Lee took a pain reliever for a headache he got from smoking hashish which triggered an allergic reaction causing his brain to swell. He died, leaving the Triads very disappointed as they had planned on killing him later that day.

1984 – Michael Jackson’s Thriller video came out on December 1. Carrot Top was rebuffed in his attempt to portray one of the zombies. The reason is that he was too creepy looking.

1991 – I got four digits from this girl in the parking lot of Starr’s Black & Tan at which time gunfire erupted and everybody broke wide. I never got the other 3 digits. 🙁

1997 – Carroll tried to drive the car with The Club on it. HAHAHAHAHA!

1999 – Michigan State University won the NCAA Tournament, thereby sealing bragging rights for the millennium. Don’t fret U of M, there’s always 2999.

3 Responses to “American History (1620 – 1999)”

  1. Phelps says:

    I haven’t read the post, I’m just testing.

  2. Phelps says:

    1991 — you got four digits… up the butt.

Leave a Response