The Day I Drove to New York City

1993 (give or a take a year)

I had met this black chick with really really REALLY big breasts at Michigan State University campus. No, I was not a student, I used to hang out at the Student Union Center with my homie Tyrone. So anyway we met this big breasted chick named Donielle and at one point we ended up hanging out at a club. She was wearing some sort of halter top and at one point she leaned over to retie her shoes when her tits just popped out. Rather than being embarassed she kind of just laughed (tee hee!) and put them back in. In retrospect that was the classy way to handle the situation.

After a few months when my brief affair with her was over she called me out of the blue. She and her roommate (some white girl I forget her name) needed to get to New York City but neither one of them could rent a car because the car rental place said you had to be at least 21 and they were both 20. They knew I qualified to rent a car because I had a full time job and I was over 21 so Donielle asked if I would rent a car and go with them to New York provided that they come up with all the expenses. I had nothing better to do (I think it was a Friday) so I agreed.

In short course we had the car and were on our way, navigating by map since none of us had driven that way before. I did most of the driving because I’m paranoid about car accidents and I don’t like to cede control of a potential death missle on the highways, especially when the other drivers are 20 year old girls and ESPECIALLY when we hit the snowy mountains and near zero visibility in the Pennsylvania mountains. We got to New York City and we were looking for this certain neighborhood but nobody could give us directions because NOBODY in the Big Apple speaks English. Finally I stopped what I thought was a regular white guy but he turned out to be a Syrian. He gave us directions in broken English.

Oh yeah. The whole point of our visit was the white girl had met this black dude at MSU and she let him use her car as they were supposedly boyfriend/girlfriend. He used her car to drive home to New York after which time he abruptly quit school and didn’t come back. He wouldn’t return her calls so we were on a mission to get her car back. Once we found the neighborhood it was tenement slums just like you see on TV (think Sesame Street with gangs, litter, and winos).

We found her car. It was jacked up on concrete blocks having been stripped of EVERYTHING of value. And windshield and headlights were shattered for good measure. So we’re sitting here in the for real ghetto looking at the car, the white girl is crying, and I’m doing my best impression of a local Puerto Rican so that people won’t fuck with us. To no avail, however, as a group of about five or six young Puerto Rican guys keep pointing to us and talking amongst themselves. Finally they all start to walk over and I immediately begin trying to gauge my chances of outrunning the PRs or at least the two girls which would be just as good. They begin talking and thankfully they are friendly Puerto Ricans, inquiring about our out of town status (the rent a car plates) and commisserating on the condition of the car. To make a long story short I was glad to leave the slums unscathed.

The bitch of the whole thing is that Donielle and I wanted to get a hotel room and then go sightseeing the next day but white girl was so distraught she wanted to go straight home which is exactly what we did after I bought some sort of meat-on-a-stick from a street vendor in Manhatten. So I went to New York City and I saw the Statue of Liberty and Times Square but I didn’t get to go to Harlem, I didn’t get to go to the Audobon Ballroom where Malcom X was shot, I didn’t get to see the twin towers, and I didn’t get to ride the subway. I saw some famous bridge, yipee. Teh end.

23 Responses to “The Day I Drove to New York City”

  1. dead baby says:

    Was one of the Puerto Ricans named Mario by any chance?

  2. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    That baby kills me!!!

  3. Mario says:

    Leave me alone you psychotic little monster I’m not your daddy and I don’t have any weed

  4. Dumb “white girl” is a poor judge of character. All she wanted was a big dick and a damned good fucking…and that’s exactly what she got.

  5. mexi says:

    If you must stereotype I demand that you come up with new and innovative ones instead of always rehashing the old.

  6. Did she have blond hair?

  7. Phelps says:

    UNLV, please show CQ your small penis so he won’t be so racist.

    And I giggle every time my titties fall out of my halter top too.

  8. My penis is small because I have white penis genes….Cures my 1/2 whiteness

  9. mexi says:

    Hey UNLV I sent you an email this morning, did u get it?

  10. Nice Rack says:

    Phelps, are you drunk again?

  11. Who said anything about race? Not [i]me[/i].

  12. mexi says:

    Ok, let’s play your game then: In the above story what information about the guy in question made you think he had a big dick?

    (cue Jeapordy music)

  13. I sad, “Dumb “white girlâ€? is a poor judge of character.” You, sir, are the one who specified a race. I called your “white girl” DUMB and said she was a “a poor judge of character.”

    Apparently you are too if this qualifies me as a racist.

    My personal experience from being in a bahzillion locker rooms and several military barracks tells me that the “this black dude at MSU” had a “large” penis. This is an anatomical observation.

    Blacks also have larger gluteus maximi. This gives them a generally better athletic ability. If you don’t believe me, then just ask Barry Switzer. He talks about this in his autobiography. It’s why he recruited mostly blacks for OU football…and they kicked ass.

  14. mexi says:

    Apparently you are too if this qualifies me as a racist.

    You lost me. It’s racist to use an adjective? I’m describing the story. There is one black girl, a black guy and white girl, and a bunch of dirty Puerto Ricans. WHERE IS THE RACISM IN THAT???

  15. Phelps: “UNLV, please show CQ your small penis so he won’t be so racist.”

    Mexi: “…what information about the guy in question made you think he had a big dick?”

    You tell me.

  16. …And the black guy has a big dick…probably…most likely…unless he’s not black but is mulatto instead.

  17. mexi says:

    Your insecurities scream forth from your comments. You have the Tarzan complex.
    (that’s a genuine psychiatric diagnosis I just made up)

  18. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    Mexi send your email to gsvlim@yahoo dot com

  19. He’s right — dey speedy.

  20. Phelps says:

    Scott Adams bringing the funny Mexi style. I think we should drive out to California and put the boots to him medium style. He should be a pushover. He’s vegitarian cartoonist who can’t talk. How hard could it be?