The Day it was Cold

Phelps thought it was cold when he was in Cleveland a couple weeks ago. No. It is now below zero in the actual temperature and the wind chill is pushing it to like twenty below. NOW it’s cold. I know it is because when I stepped outside to go to the bar on Saturday I could feel the moisture in the inside of my nostrils freeze. It’s bad now but I can always think of a time that it was worse. For me that would be January 1994.

January 1994

The actual temperature is somewhere between 15 and 20 below zero. But the winds are whipping which has taken the wind chill down to fifty below zero. Today is my first day of work temping at a State office in the Ottawa building. I have to walk about a mile to work and I’ll be damned if I call in to work on my first day so I bundle up. Over my shirt I have two sweaters and I make an exception to my no scarf rule. I put on TWO of them, then my coat and of course gloves. I tie my hood strings tight so nothing is showing but my eyes. I then step out into the Arctic air and begin my walk to work.

There are precious few cars out on the road and NOBODY is walking except me. The wind is howling, blowing powdery snow icelets through the streets as it’s too cold for the snow to actually flake. About halfway to work I run into trouble. The steam that emerges from my scarf when I exhale has been rising up causing moisture to accumulate on my eyelashes. Now when I blink my eyes have been frozen shut. I stop and do the only thing I can think to do: I take my hands out of my gloves and put my palms on my eyes until the ice melts. I have to repeat this process about three more times until I get to work.

When I get there there are only about three other people in the office. It’s deathly cold inside and they’re saying if they can’t get the heat system up to speed they’re going to send us all home at 11:00. I pray that they don’t because I need a few hours to thaw out my soul (which I had not sold yet at that point). Lucky for me they get the heat working at the last minute and I get to stay at work ’til 5:00. I barely remember the walk home but the trip TO work is the one that will always stay with me.

Southerners, when I say fifty below zero you have no idea what I’m talking about. It’s just an incomprehensible theoretical number to you, kind of like me imagining 800 trillion or trying to count all the lines on Edward J. Olmos’ face. But if you were here and could feel 20 below today, you would know what 50 below feels like to me.

20 Responses to “The Day it was Cold”

  1. Phelps says:

    Edward Olmos doesn’t have lines on his face. He just has thousands of dimples.

  2. mexi says:

    Yeah. It looks like that time they fought the Battle of Normandy on the moon.

  3. Seems like they taught me in physics or chemistry that if it get much colder than that then matter stops.

  4. Nice Rack says:

    I think they closed school that day, I was a sophomore in high school at the time. My brother and I were just talking about that last night.

  5. L says:

    yup they closed school, i was standing at the bus stop my first year at sexton highschool. i stood there for like 20 minutes before my friends mom drove by and informed me that i was freezing my ass off for nothing. when i took my hand out of my pocket to get in her car, the skin on my fingers froze to the car door handle.

  6. mexi says:

    when i took my hand out of my pocket to get in her car, the skin on my fingers froze to the car door handle.

    My ex-wives hands do that on sunny days.

  7. mexi says:

    I just saw a headline that says radical surgery alleviates Lobster Claw Syndrome. I was thinking yeah, a pot of boiling water along with some garlic butter! HOOAH!

  8. Vee says:

    20 freakin below?! It’s in the 50’s here today and I’m all bundled up. I’m such a wimp.

  9. mexi says:

    Some lobster claw should warm you up nicely!

  10. HMt says:

    is it true that if you masturbate out in temperatures like that a baby will sprout out your dick-hole?

  11. No. But you will jizz icicles. Then your dick will fall off.

  12. Mexigogue says:

    Yes but it will shatter into a million pieces when it hits the ground.

  13. And folks wonder why I moved to Arizona

  14. Nice Rack says:

    I was wondering last night, if you have sex out in this weather, will the girl’s junk freeze? You could end up with an icicle dildo.

  15. “Will the girl’s junk freeze?” —> You are such a classy lady Rack

  16. Someone will have to sleep one the icy spot. There will be no wet spot.

  17. Nice Rack says:

    I never claimed to be classy, though I do know when to avoid making inappropriate comments (sometimes). I did call my boss a cum dumpster once, but it was all in good fun.

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