Surprise

I hate when I’m watching a movie with some jackass who’s seen the movie before and feels the need to tell me what’s about to happen next. What, is your life so pathetic that the only bit of self esteem you can muster is omniscient feeling you get by pre-narrating the scenes for me??? It doesn’t make me think you’re any smarter, it only solidifies what I suspected before and that is the fact that you are annoying as FUCK! Let me watch the goddamned movie!

This goes for the idiots who were streaming out of “Return of the Jedi” as I was on my way in and were shouting to those of us in line “DARTH VADAR IS LUKE’S FATHER!” It isn’t even possible to kill you enough times for ruining that for me. Thank you, now I can’t be surprised. And like Jimmy Webb’s cake that was left out in the rain, I will never have that recipe again. Why would someone leave a cake out in the rain? I don’t know. It’s against the law for me to make threats so please choke yourself for me Jimmy Webb. Thank you.

In 1980-something some lady in front of me stage-whispered to her friend that Ritchie Valens was about to die. Yeah, I kind of saw that coming to but please shut the hell up. And maybe in my mind the Titanic is going to get dive bombed by some Japanese zeros this time around so don’t point out the iceberg either. I went to see that movie because any movie where Leonardo Dicaprio dies is a must see for me.

In the late 1990s my wife at the time (Halima) found out that although I like gangster movies I had never seen ANY of The Godfather trilogy. She couldn’t believe it and she told me that her father had the entire series special collection. She asked if I wanted to see it and I said yes. She got it from her father and he promised me I would like it very much. As we sat down at home to watch it Halima starts giving me the background of the story. I stop her and say “Please don’t tell me anything. I’ve never seen this before so I want it to be a surprise.” She says “I just wanted to tell you the” and I say “No, please, nothing. I want to experience the whole thing from beginning to end myself.” She says ok.

We sit there and the story begins with a scene from Sicily. Halima says “Oh, I was wondering why it begins in Sicily. Then I remembered the classic collection puts the story in chronological order instead of in the order it came out in the movies. I forgot the story begins in the part of Sicily where Michael Corleone dies.”

I grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. As I began walking away Halima was like “What?? Where are you going??” I said “I don’t need to watch the movie anymore. Now I know that Michael Corleone dies.” She says “But you don’t even know who Michael Corleone is!” I said “I know but thanks to you I already know that he dies so there’s no point in watching the movie.”

I went to bed and no matter how many times Halima tried to apologize I refused to watch the movie after that.  She returned the series to her father about a week later and I never did watch it as long as we were together.

I’m not sure if the point of this is that people need to be quiet or that I’m really a jackass but take whatever lesson from this you like. That is all!

5 Responses to “Surprise”

  1. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    You really need to settle down and watch those movies

  2. mexi says:

    Oh I finally watched them like last year or something. Al Pacino did a great job as Michael Corleone and Adrian was married to somebody who wasn’t Rocky. I guess she must have divorced him sometime before the Apollo Creed fight.

  3. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    they killed her husband….That’s why she was single when Rocky met her

  4. mexi says:

    Those crazy eye-talians! What with their arm wavery and bada-binging. Classic!

  5. R says:

    The point is that people need to shut the hell up during movies.

    Remember Kung Fu Hustle? How it was filmed in the original Chinese with English subtitles? There was one motherfucker behind us who was reading every goddamn subtitle out loud.

    Man, shut the fuck up.

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