The Day Carol Tried to Drive the Car with The Club on it

September 1996

Carol and I have split up.  I have gone back to be roommates with Guy in the UNLV Jacket and she has went to live at an undisclosed location with some New Dude.  The split is almost amicable and she has described it as “time apart” although I tell her that this is not just temporary, if she’s gone to live with a New Dude then this is over.  She seems to think this is just another of our various break ups but oh well.

The one point of contention is the car.  It’s a blue Pontiac something or other that we’ve financed in my name.  My credit wasn’t good enough to get it on my own (my job was tight but my credit history was such that I couldn’t even order a pizza without a co-signer) so I had to make something happen.  I enlisted the help of Natalai who told me she would co-sign for me but that if I messed up my credit she would rip my balls off with her bare hands.  I readily agreed because I knew if there was one thing to be sure of it’s that I wouldn’t cross Natalai.  Now that Carol and I were splitting up we had the issue of who would keep the car.

“I need that car” Carol says.  I tell her good because I can’t afford to pay rent and make a car payment too and since Carol was living with New Guy rent free I would let her keep the car “IF” I say “you promise not to miss a single payment or make them late because that’s what I promised Natalai.”  Carol readily agrees saying she knew what a solid the co-signer had performed for us so I let her keep the car.

One month later I get a PISSED off call from Natalai regarding a missed payment.  It’s all I can do to apologize and vow to get to the bottom of it because I know I already talked to Carol about this.  I call Carol up and she says she had some things come up so she had to make the payment late.  I tell her to absolutely NOT let it happen again, this is not going to be an ongoing issue.  Carol vows it won’t.

Exactly one month later I get another call.  This time I vow it’s all over.  I call Carol and she comes back with some lame “You’re gonna have to understand (blah blah blah)!” No.  There is NOTHING that I have to understand.  I’m taking the car back, I just don’t tell her this yet because I don’t know where she lives so I have to do this in stealth mode.

I plan this mission out with the same precision I used to plan out the Great Quality Dairy Escapade.  Before I begin I go to Meijers and buy The Club.  This is because I know that when I steal the car back (ridiculous way of putting it since it’s in my name and I’ve paid the majority of the payments) that she’s going to try to re-steal it from me so I’ll be prepared.  Then I enlist the help of my friend Tyrone who will go with me since I might have to exit the vehicle and I don’t want Carol to drive off.  Now it’s time to put the plan into action.

Carol comes to pick up the kid after a weekend visit.  When she gets there I ask if it’s ok that I drop Tyrone off someplace.  She says ok so I get in the driver’s seat and announce that I’m taking the car back.  I offer to drive Carol back to New Guy’s house but she balks saying she’s not getting out of the car.  I drive to the police station  and send Tyrone in to get the five oh to straighten it out.  Long story short I get the car back and all’s well that ends well.  Or so we think.

The next day I take the car to work and fasten The Club onto the steering wheel.  I figure when the ex shows up and sees the anti-theft device she will give up without trying.  Boy am I wrong.  A couple hours later the security guard at my job calls me and tells me my vehicle has rolled into the middle of the parking lot.  I’m like what?? He says I must have not put it in park.  I am dumbfounded as that’s never happened before so I go out and it is indeed all out of place.  That’s when I see Carol walking away from it.  SHE BACKED IT UP WITH THE CLUB ON AND LEFT IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARKING LOT!!

I take command of the car and re-park it, this time directly in front of the Security Guard station (at the behest of the security dude who has since learned of the attempted theft).  A tow-truck guy pulls up and Carol immediately goes up and starts talking to him.  Evidently she was trying to tow the car home where she was going to deal with The Club later.  I tell the guy he can leave, that she’s not authorized to tow the vehicle. 

Carol goes up to the car and begins to remove the license plate.  The security guy says “Ma’am, put that license plate back on the vehicle.” 

She says “I paid for this license plate, I’m taking it with me.” 

“I just ran the plates” he says, “They are in teh Mexigogue’s name.  If you don’t put those plates back on I’m taking you to jail” (the security guard is State Police). 

“I talked to Lansing Police Department and they said I can take the vehicle”, she responds.

“This is State Property and LPD has no jurisdiction here.  Put it back on or I’m taking you to jail.”

Carol put the license plate back on the vehicle and everybody lived happily ever after.  Or did we? Two days later I got a phone call:

Carol:  Michael you give me that car back or I’m going to call Child Protective Services and I’m going to say you did (unspeakable things) to our daughter.

Me:  ??? You’re retarded, I haven’t done anything and you know it.

Carol:  I don’t care.  I’ll make something up.  You give me that car back.

Me:  Go ahead and call them!

I didn’t think she’d be stupid enough to follow through, I thought it was an idle threat.  Three weeks later UNLV and I are playing NBA Live 1995 when a knock comes to the door.  A Child Protective Services guy wants to talk to me:

“I’m here investigating a report that you have done (unspeakable things) to your daughter.”

I tell  the guy the  story about the car and the threat and he goes away.

A month later, during a divorce deposition, my lawyer questions Carol about the accusation.  By now her religiousity has come back to her and she comes clean.  She admits that she lied about the alleged incident.  When my attorney asks her why she lied she says “because I was mad about the car.”

My attorney pulls me to the side afterwards and says “I can’t believe how easy that was.  She just admitted to perjury.  If you want me to I’ll ask the judge to give her jail time and I’ll get it.”

“No” says I, “I don’t want to be vindictive, I want to be merciful as a gesture of good-will.  Goodwill always pays dividends in the end.”

Stupid! I should have asked for jail time.

10 Responses to “The Day Carol Tried to Drive the Car with The Club on it”

  1. guy in the uNLV jacket says:

    Gotta love people who will gladly ruin another person’s credit. She should have been slapped for that

  2. mexi says:

    They should send repo guys for that.

    Repo guy pulls up:

    deadbeat: Haha! There’s nothing for you to repo!

    SLAP!!! (EEEEEEEEEEEE!)

    Repo guy drives away

  3. guy in the uNLV jacket says:

    You the incident happened in 1996 how the hell were we playing NBA live 2005?

  4. mexi says:

    By “weeks” later I really meant the Arabic “yawm” which can be interpreted as “eon” and. . . ok fine I’ll change it.

  5. Phelps says:

    You already told this story, but you still get credit for the extra detail.

    You so should have had the state police guy give a deposition for the proceedings. And don’t you know that getting into a car to do something with a guy named Tyrone is as bad as getting in a car with a guy named Walter?

  6. mexi says:

    Whoa, I forgot I gave the Readers’ Digest version in a comment. This time I wanted to add the part about the perjury. I should get a copy of that from my attorney’s office and frame it.

  7. Citizen Quasar says:

    My ex-wife’s name is Carol. She was all into the get-me-pregnant-and-then-let’s-have-a-trial-separation thing. Good riddance bitch.

  8. carol says:

    I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’ for those meddling kids….cackle cackle cackle

  9. mexi says:

    I count myself lucky I didn’t work a straight line home from where she was living.

  10. carol says:

    I’ll get you my pretty

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