The Day I Pretended to be My Own Twin

1994:

This story takes place right around the time I first began temp work in State offices. I know this because it was at that time that I started buying dress clothes with matching tie and suspenders. I looked quite professional back then and to top it off I needed a professional looking coat (a bubble coat wasn’t going to cut the mustard) so I bought a black trenchcoat from the Burlington Coat Factory. The effect was quite impressive and people were apt to think I was pulling in decent money rather than the $7.50 an hour I was actually making. A second bonus to these outfits was that I actually had something to wear to Starr’s Black & Tan which was a severely ghetto establishment in Downtown Lansing with a strict dress code.

The Black & Tan was almost entirely that, having one side where the clientele was 98% black and the other side devoted to the Mexican dances which brought in the Latino crowd. The two groups didn’t often mix but I never went to the Mexican side. I was all for going to the black side what with the hip-hop music, ghetto-fabulous hoochies, and old dudes with the Dolemite outfits. Also the black side had Colt .45 by the 12 oz bottle which is the only place I’ve ever been in where you could get your very own little malt liquor. The frequent rash of parking lot shootings didn’t even bother me as those were my early 20s and indestructable years. The Black & Tan was my favourite place up until the time I got banned.

Getting banned was entirely my fault. I was tossing down my umpteenth Colt .45 one night when I decided it was time to leave. The only problem was that I wasn’t done with my beer so I slipped it into my trenchcoat pocket and proceeded to walk out. The lady at the door noticed and she shouted after me that I could not take the beer out. I kept walking and she shouted that if I didn’t bring it back I would be banned. Haha, I thought to myself, banned, I don’t care, I’ve already had plenty to drink tonight!

The next Friday I felt really stupid as I had money in my pocket and nowhere to go. There wasn’t another establishment like Starr’s Black & Tan so, after racking my brains for about an hour, I went back out there. The same lady stopped me at the door, but little did she know I had a plan:

“You can’t come in here, I told you you were banned.”

“(Spanish accent) That wasn’t me, that was my twin.”

“Yeah right, very funny. You can’t come in here.”

“No, I’m serious. That was my twin you banned. I’ve never been here before.”

“Shut up, you’re not a twin. Your name is Mike. If you’re a twin let me see your driver’s license, it better not say Mike.”

“I don’t have a driver’s license. The cops cut it up.”

“Then I can’t let you in. How can I be sure you’re 21?”

“Because my twin has a driver’s license and you’ve seen his.”

“This is so stupid. Ok look, bring your ‘twin’ here and I’ll let you in. But until then you’re banned too.”

“I don’t know where he is.”

“How do you not know where your twin is?”

“He just dropped me off but he went somewhere else. He can’t come in here because he’s banned.”

“He just dropped you off? What kind of vehicle was he driving?”

“A blue. . . . . car.”

“I cannot believe you are trying something this ridiculous. Why are you faking a Spanish accent anyway?”

“My twin was raised in Michigan. I was raised in Texas.”

“If you’re twins why would you be raised in different states?”

“My parents angry with each other.”

“Let me go get the night manager, he’s gotta hear this!”

To make a long story short the other guy got such a kick out of my story that he let in, but he made clear that he didn’t believe my story, he just gave me points for creativity. The lesson to be learned here is that no matter how bad your situation is there is always hope. If you’re ever caught doing something bad, just claim to have a twin, the rest will take care of itself.

5 Responses to “The Day I Pretended to be My Own Twin”

  1. Phelps says:

    I bet I could have convinced them that I was your twin.

  2. mexi says:

    It’s all about using jedi mind powers.

  3. L says:

    jedi mind tricks are sooo cool. I had to resort to jedi mind tricks when i was sneaking 4 1/2 pints of captain morgan into the common ground festival.

  4. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    Was your twin’s name Spike?

  5. Mexigogue says:

    Haha! That’s another tawdry tale for another day!

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