The Bad Guy

Something happened yesterday that made me think about what it was like to be married. I’ve been there three times and never did it work. In fact each time it was like a reel of gaffes, each episode funnier than the first, that’s how bad it was. I have concluded that I am simply not marriage material and I’m cool with that. Normally I just block out those years from my memory but yesterday I had some flashbacks.

First thing I remember is that women are unreasonable. They act all nice in the beginning but once you’re married they start thinking of these random rules and each one is suddenly important. “Please don’t stay out all night and shoot pool”, or the famous “Don’t sleep with my sister!!” Nag nag NAG! Here’s a clue toots: Its not always about YOU. If I am sleeping with your sister that has nothing to do with you, that’s between ME AND HER!

Second of all is that being fake suddenly becomes a premium. So I’m at the bar one day and I’m not supposed to because my religion forbids drinking but I’m pretty sure God’s not that uptight but whatever. My wife’s brother is sitting at a table in that same bar and he’s not supposed to be either but haha, it’s all good for some laughs. At least I’m 90% sure it’s him but just to be on the safe side I don’t approach him because I don’t want to be embarassed if it’s not him so I wait for him to say hi to me. Nothing doing.

Two days later my wife says her mom was told by her brother that I was seen at a bar, specifically The Point After. “How could he have seen me at a bar” I ask, “Unless he was there?” She relays the question back to her mother. Muhammad changes his story: “I didn’t see him. My friend was driving down the street and saw Michael walking into a bar.”

Jesus Christ! Just say it: “I was at a bar where I wasn’t supposed to be and Michael was there too!” Or better yet don’t say anything at all. Have we learned nothing from the Brady Bunch? IT’S NOT NICE TO TATTLE!!! And it’s not like I was there gambling away the rent money and hollerin at some sluts, I was just HAVING A BEER! Maybe if I was like your father drinking that Chinese medicine that doesn’t have alcohol (wink wink!) I could be getting drunk on the down low like the rest of the god-fearing. But since I drink beer from a pitcher (like God intended I might add) that makes me the bad guy. Fine, I’m the devil.

In fact I was at her dad’s house one night watching the Lennox Lewis/David Tua fight. He gave his son (the aforementioned tattle-tale) a bottle of that green Chinese shit. Muhammad takes a drink of it and says “It’s like having a beer.” Mmmm, beer I think to myself. Maybe he’ll offer me one too. But NOOOO. I’m not in the club. I get to be the only sober one sitting there like an idiot. The next fight I watched at a bar.

After that wife left I was at the Point After one night with Guy in the UNLV Jacket and Monique. We’re sitting in a booth with a pitcher of beer having some laughs and in comes my wife’s OTHER BROTHER comes in and he proceeds to sing a karaoke song. SO EVIDENTLY IT’S OK FOR EVERYBODY TO GO TO THE BAR EXCEPT ME!! I’m like screw this I’m really old like Yoda, I’m going to do what I want.

And lest it sound like I’m some raging alcoholic who drinks until the- oh wait, that reminds me: funny story!

Back when I was married I got the riot act read to me every time I came home smelling like beer. So whenever I did it I just fuck it I might as well make it worth it. This means that when I did drink I would get totally ripped. So one day I drank my vision double and when I came home I was like oh great, TWO angry Halimas.

That wasn’t true. I just thought it would be funny if it was.

So nowadays I go to work five days a week, hold down a job, blog, have fun with my kids, and go to the bar either one or two nights a week. If that makes me a bad guy then FINE! SAY HELLO TO THE BAD GUY!!!

Hellfire with you haters, the rest of you, GET THE BEERS IN!!

27 Responses to “The Bad Guy”

  1. HMT says:

    This fucken post killed me in so many ways… I wanted to leave for work but I couldn’t just go and finish later after the “I was drinking beer out of a pitcher (as god intended)”

    fuck friend..

    nothing like getting the beers in with forbidden brother!

  2. Linny says:

    first off… your name is Michael? shouldn’t it be Miguel or something? 🙂

    second… you reminded me of a story some guy called WRIF radio and recounted for a chance to win a free dozen roses… it goes like this…

    wife’s sister comes to visit… husband, wife and sister (who, apparently, is a smokin’ hot 21 year old) go out to the bar… play pool, have several hundred beers, get plastered… husband, wife and sister go home and go to bed… an hour later husband has to pee and does so, in his (alleged) drunken stupor he (allegedly) accidently goes into the bedroom of sister, climbs into bed and promptly descends to below the belt line of said sister and gives her a proper “what for” for like… an hour… sister wakes up but, in her drunken stupor, decides she’s (allegedly) dreaming and just goes with it and starts moaning to beat the band (so to speak)

    yep… in walks wife

    his defense was that he SWEARS he thought it was his wife… I say… honest mistake but I’d want the roses anyway… and… make it 2 dozen!!!

  3. Mexigogue says:

    He should have just said “Hey, relaaaaax!”

  4. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    Good times!!!!

  5. Linny says:

    my thing is… since they were all three wasted, couldn’t he have just told her that she imagined it all…

    women can be rather stupid in that sense usually anyway… under the influence, she should have been easy to convince… I think he should be shot for not thinking up a good comeback

  6. Mexigogue says:

    He should have said “MY BANG I THOUGHT IT WAS MY GRAMMA!”

  7. Nice Rack says:

    Mexi, I don’t think I’m getting the beers in tonight

  8. Mexigogue says:

    COME ONNNNNNNNNNN!

  9. Nice Rack says:

    I may have other plans, and they are very good plans.

  10. Nice Rack says:

    I’d be a fool if I passed up the plans that have been offered to me.

  11. Mexigogue says:

    A pox on you then.

  12. Nice Rack says:

    Dude, 18th century lingo is not cool.

  13. Nice Rack says:

    And who knows, maybe my plans will fall through and I will be able to come get the beers in.

  14. Mexigogue says:

    FALL THROUGH! FALL THROUGH!

    I prithee come hence to-night, lest I be forced to consort with ye olde hoochies instead.

  15. Linny says:

    play hard to get… that will work 😉

  16. Nice Rack says:

    I’ve always wondered about that whole playing hard to get thing. I’ve learned that if you are really good at the outcome of being easy to get, then the guys never want to leave. But it’s the hard to get that gets them to want the outcome from the easy to get side of you. Damn, I think I just confused myself with all of that.

  17. Linny says:

    i haven’t the energy to play hard to get anymore

  18. Mexigogue says:

    I’m always playing get-to-hard.

  19. Nice Rack says:

    That’s because you can’t control your penis. When you play hard to get, you waste all that energy that could be used during sex. Be easy, and just have lots of great sex!

  20. Linny says:

    you said penis…

    hehe… hehe… hehe

  21. Mexigogue says:

    the correct term is “fireman”.

  22. Linny says:

    ¿qué usted está hablando?

  23. Nice Rack says:

    You call it a fireman?

  24. Linny says:

    ***stupid mexican joke alert***

    would that be hose A or hose B?

  25. Nice Rack says:

    Everyone have a good weekend!

  26. Detroit Dave says:

    You still got it Mexi!!

    Hey my phone was off when you called me today. WI would have hung out too!! Lets try to hook up up soon. I will give you a call!