Tacos

Sunday I was making tacos. It’s the only thing I can get my daughter to eat before her mother picks her up so I’m hooking it up, ground beef, diced onions, four cloves of minced garlic, stewed tomatoes, heaps of chili pepper, sea salt, side of vegetarian refried beans and white Mexican grating cheese. The salsa is homemade, four jalapenos, more diced onion and minced garlic, and stewed tomatoes. The corn tortillas are fried of course. The kitchen smells like God’s breath or better yet like Jennifer Lopez’s taco flavored kisses. Just as I’m finishing my ex-wife Carol gets to the house. I ask her if she wants some tacos.

This is not an act of altruism. And hold the second thought, I’m not trying to poison her either. I would never poison THAT ex-wife. The reason I like to share food when I hook it up beyond belief is because I want other people to know what a good cook I am. I want people leaving my house streaming tears of joy after having experienced an epiphany of what Mexican food is really supposed to taste like. Furthermore I want them gnashing their teeth in frustration when they’re in their kitchens trying (and failing) to produce the same thing I did. So I have my own selfish reasons for trying to give my ex the best tacos on the planet, but she is a bit circumspect (if it’s possible for her to feel a vocabulary word she does not know).

“Why are you trying to give me a taco? What did you do to it?”

“I didn’t do anything to it, it’s just a taco. Eat it!”

“I don’t know” she said, still unconvinced.

“Oh for god’s sake!” I cry out.

Being the religious fanatic she is she wiggles her fingers over it: “In the name of Jesus.”

I wiggle my own fingers over it: “Undo the Jesus!”

“What’s wrong with you??” she laughs.

“Nothing. I just don’t need Jesus messin’ up my seven herbs and spices.”

She’s almost convinced it’s safe to eat. One last test, she calls my son over: “Malik, come over here and take a bite of this taco” she says.

NO DON’T EAT THE TACO!!!” I scream.

She looks at me.

“No really, it’s all right.”

Finally she eats the taco.

“DAMN THIS TACO IS THE BOMB!!! I NEED TO GIVE YOU SOME PU-“*

the end.

* the last part entirely not true, I just needed a denouement.

32 Responses to “Tacos”

  1. Linny says:

    I make a mean mexican rice… recipe straight from J-Lo (ex-mother in law Juanita Lopez)

    I cheat and use the stupid powder crap for my tacos – as I don’t like really spicy food and I never trust my own combination of “seven herbs and spices” I resort to the little envelope of seasonings…

    but the rice is AWESOME!!! oh… and that cheese… do you use that white cheese? (I think it’s that chihuaha cheese – something like that and NO I don’t mean dog cheese) that white cheese is the BEST for refried beans… mmmmm…

    a good taco SHOULD get you SOMETHING shouldn’t it???

    okay… I’m hungry now… wonder if there’s any chili-cheese fritos in the vending machine

  2. Mexigogue says:

    I know the cheese you’re talking about but that white grating cheese is something different, dry and crumbly and a tad salty. It’s the shiznit. And FYI that powder taco mix is what Adam & Eve used when they got kicked out of Eden and didn’t have any other choice.

  3. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    For Fucks sake, Mexicans can’t make tacos.

  4. Jim Darkness says:

    I once made a pot of chili con carne that was a work of art. I used Rattlesnake and Wild Boar for the meat, a coupla bushels of chilis, one giant freakin clove of Texas Elephant Garlic (the size of a tennis ball… I don’t lie), a half pound or so of cumin… and other secret ingredients.

    When I served it up, I put wooden spoons in the bowls and lit them on fire with a blow torch…

  5. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Next time you make tacos, go to a the farmers market out on Westr Saginaw and get some green chilis. Replace the chili powder with these and you will have the lord’s tacos

  6. Mexigogue says:

    HEY LOOK, I DON’T TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE .. . . CHICKEN!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA!!

    ok I’m done.

  7. Nice Rack says:

    Damn, I’m hungry now you punk. Jenn, thanks for the compliment yesterday. It is very appreciated. UNLV, when you coming back to town so you can put your head on my boobs?

  8. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    I’ll probably be back in town around Super Bowl time. I want those bobies to be good and soft for my head

  9. Vee says:

    Will you marry me? Any man that can cook a good taco is THE MAN in my book. I can eat tacos everyday.

    Sea salt, huh? I need some sea salt but can’t find it in this hurricane ravaged city. Where do you get your sea salt (and don’t say the sea).

  10. Mexigogue says:

    Meijers, but y’all don’t have that down there. I use sea salt as a substitute because I can’t find kosher salt. I started using it when I bought some for cooking salmon on the grill.

    Hey aren’t you already married? Haha, bigamy is hilarious but awkward!

  11. Linny says:

    I have to get me some of that crumbly cheese stuff… whats it called?

    we are having tamale’s as part of our thanksgiving… mmmmmmmmmmmm

    okay… now I’m really hungry…

    and Vee… if you’re only requirement for a husband is that he can make good tacos… you might find yourself in an extremely unhappy marriage (albeit a fat one)

    🙂

  12. HMT says:

    You should open up your own “Tacos and PU-” shop.. they come in combo meals. The #4 comes with 3 children.

  13. Mexigogue says:

    I repeat: pu$$y stuffed with nachos!!! Who could resist??

  14. Mexigogue says:

    Yeah. Funny thing, nothing in the indictment about him bombing targets in the US. I think they just made that part up as an excuse to hold him without trying him, knowing that if they told the press he was a dirty bomber people would buy it no questions asked because if it’s in print it must be true.

    Plus you hold somebody without charges long enough he’ll admit to being the shooter on the grassy knoll if nothing else just to get a day in court. The US government fucked up the case (if they ever had one).

  15. Mexigogue says:

    On the face of it this case has 100 times more holes than the OJ trial. You can only hope people are prejudiced enough to convict him anyway.

  16. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    I see you have a soft spot for Hispanic Islamic converts to go along with your illegal alien softsport. What a sweetheart

  17. Mexigogue says:

    Ha, you’re not looking at it rationally. If this was The Bad Guy they would have tried and convicted him a long time ago. But not only did they not try him, initially they didn’t even release to the press that he was arrested. They wanted to interrogate him and have him tell on someone else. If they convicted him all his incentive to cooperate would be gone so they locked him up and played like they would never even let the world know where he was unless he turned someone else in. That’s why they wouldn’t let him have access to an attorney, they wanted him to crack under the psychological pressure. He’s not the guy they wanted, they wanted a bigger fish. They never had Dirty Bomb proof, that was just bullshit they made up. They gambled on a bigger fish and lost. They only had small cards the whole time.

  18. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    It’s kind of hard to convict somebody in a bomb plot when all of there plotting was done overseas. They will get him for training and that will be that. Hey he might get off on time served. They announced they had him the day he was arrrested in Miami. I think all Hispanic male Muslim converts should be rounded up and sent to toil in the salt mines….

  19. Mexigogue says:

    HAHA! Move to strike the juror in the UNLV Jacket!

  20. Linny says:

    would that be the SEA salt mines?

  21. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Nope they are going into the radioactive salt mines.

  22. Nice Rack says:

    UNLV, they are always good and soft. Just ask…um, no one here has ever touched them. Just imagine, I guess.

  23. Mexigogue says:

    It would be a soft spot if I thought only Hispanic Muslim converts should get fair trials but that everyone else should get their due process disregarded. But I don’t. As much as it might offend your lynch mob mentalilty I am in favor of correct court procedure and fair trials for everyone, not just for the people you like.

  24. Jenn says:

    Damnit, UNLV. You don’t talk politics when there’s such a great conversation about TACOS! What the hell’s wrong with you??

    Mexi, you need to come to New Mexico to get a taste of REAL Mexican food. You’ll never leave. We decorate our houses with chili ristas for Christs sake.

    Nice Rack, you’re welcome. But I think you should let me put my head on your boobies. I’m sure my head’s ligther than UNLV’s.

  25. Mexigogue says:

    Aw mannnnnn. When am I gonna get the chance to be a lesbian???

    Oh and I concur. Tacos bring even defense and prosecution together!

  26. Nice Rack says:

    Wow, I’m being hit on from all angles. I’ve got one boob for each of you, we can have a pajama party (or massive orgy). We have to keep it a secret from Mexi though, he might get mad! To be a lesbian, one must be without the male junk Meximan. How far are you willing to go?

  27. Phelps says:

    Hey, I bet we have a vendor bring us tamales for thanksgiving. And then some more for Christmas. And I’ll be having Christmas in OK again, so I’ll have to carry a few dozen with me.

  28. R says:

    Yes, I, too, would like to know the answer to that question.

  29. Jenn says:

    I, too, would like to know…

  30. Nice Rack says:

    So tomorrow’s blog topic is… How far will Mexi go to become a lesbian? You had better put together a coherent argument that allows you to keep your man parts and still be a lesbian.

  31. Jenn says:

    Yay! I can’t wait!