Don’t Smoke Weed

My son is fifteen and it just ocurred to me that I haven’t had the “don’t smoke weed” talk with him yet. It didn’t occur to me because I didn’t try smoking weed until I was seventeen and I didn’t like it so it’s never really been an issue for me. It just made me paranoid and who wants to spend dollars on that? Hopefully it’s not too late yet so here it goes, this is not just for him this is for all my children:

Don’t smoke weed because it stinks, it’s illegal, and it just makes you paranoid. You wanna get paranoid? Try getting divorced three times and then wait by the mailbox to see what your paycheck is gonna look like. Not to mention you never know what people put in joints nowadays. One minute you think you’re smoking a joint the next thing you know your lips are going numb from the cocaine the joint was laced with and you’re thinking “Now I won’t be able to pass a drug screening so much for applying for any jobs for the next SIX MONTHS!!!” It’s not worth it. You want danger? Get into a fistfight. You want fun? Go to a bar when you’re 21 and drink beer around the ugly chicks. Watch them morph before your very eyes. But don’t smoke weed. Weedheads piss me off.

When I was in the seventh grade I stopped being friends with Jim Harrington. He was this retarded kid who I felt sorry for because people would pick on him. I used to defend him in the sixth grade because he had no other defender. But in the seventh grade when he started smoking weed I was like never mind. The other kids smoked weed to get stupid. Jim was retarded already, what was his excuse? Was he gonna run for President or something?

An aside here, I don’t care if Presidential candidates have tried drugs, that’s not even an issue to me. Like Chef said “There’s a time and a place for drugs and it’s called college.” I just don’t want my kids to grow up to be weed smokers when they grow up when they could be knocking back Budweisers like normal people. Or drinking wine. BUT NOT DRINKING ANY OF THOSE DRINKS WITH LITTLE UMBRELLAS IN THEM, THAT’S JUST WRONG!! White Russian is good too, in small doses if you’re lactose intolerant. But no weed smoking.

So don’t do drugs. Except Budweiser, German beer, cigarettes (in moderation), and white liquor when you’re watching The Big Lebowski. But not until you’re 21. Then do all of those at once so I can wait until you pass out so I can steal your Big Lebowski tape. But don’t smoke weed.

This has been a public service announcement.

18 Responses to “Don’t Smoke Weed”

  1. R says:

    My dad never gave me the don’t do drugs speech. He did, however, made me aware, ever since I was capable of coherent thought, that he would kill me if I ever did anything stupid.

    “If you fall from that tree and break your arm, I’ll break the other one.”

    Good ol’ dad.

  2. Mexigogue says:

    My dad was never around so I had to try all the dangerous stuff myself (like sticking a fork in the electric socket) to see what would happen. It was a helluva childhood.

    If I ever need to figure out how to dispose of a dead body I’ll call my dad.

  3. HMT says:

    that’s sweet that you defended Jim Harbaugh in 6th grade. Probably what gave him the confidence to become the world-class athlete he was for so many years.

    Honestly, I couldn’t agree with you more on this post. Plus, weeded out chicks are harder to band than drunk ones.

  4. towlie says:

    you wanna get high?

  5. Mexigogue says:

    No towlie we don’t wanna get high!

  6. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Weed is bad. umkay. I used to smoke a bunch of weed back in the day and everytime I smoked I never did anything. I remember smoking one night with this chick named Tammy. She was hot, she even made it into into the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.”” We smoked and smoked all night and when it came time to sleep we laid in the bed and went to sleep. No f^cking, no sucking, there wasn’t even eny dry humping going on. That was the day I realized that smoking weed is bad it messes up your sex drive and makes you not want to bang hot chicks.

  7. Mexigogue says:

    I can’t beat that testimonial.

  8. Dave from the "D" says:

    UNLV! What the FUCK! Don’t worry one night I drank alot of Old English 800 and I had limp dickitis with a chick I was trying to bone for a month. I mean she was like “I can get it hard” “let me suck on it” “Put it between these big 49DD TITS!! My BoBo said now fucker. You should have stopped drinking that Nigger beer and worked on that ass earlier. I never drank that beer again. Now she was not in a swimsuit magazine or anything but she did start working the corner on Woodward and 7 mile in Detroit. Damn!

  9. Phelps says:

    Guy is actually pretty close to the South Park weed speech. “Don’t stay away from weed because its illegal. Stay away from it because it makes you stupid, and it makes you too lazy to go to the important stuff you should be doing.”

  10. Mexigogue says:

    One time I got so drunk I threw up. Wait, that was Saturday. . . .

  11. Dave from the "D" says:


  12. Mexigogue says:

    I met this chick I like but she lives in Grand Rapids. Maybe I’ll just do a local chick but picture the GRand rapids chick in my mind. Wait I shouldn’t have said that, Grand Rapids chick has the blog address.

  13. Phelps says:

    Oh, and sometimes drinks with umbrellas in them are cool, like Pi~na Coladas and Banana Daquiris. But only if they are made with fresh bananas, because the ones from mixes are nasty.

    (I couldn’t figure out how to put the enya over the N, so I just put a tilde beside it.)

  14. Mexigogue says:

    I google “spanish n” and when I find it I cut and paste. To my amazement it works. I imagine that’s how the world’s first Mexican did it.

  15. R says:

    “Oye, cabron, mira! Ya tenemos nuestra propia letra ‘n’, pero con esta pendejada arriva! Por suerte de Google!”

    “Oye, callate, pendejo! No ves que estoy cojiendo tu pinche madre?!”

    “Hijo de puta, eso es un perro, guey! lol!”

    “Ay, dios! Que tipo de marijauna me diste??!??”

  16. HMT says:

    UNLV is my idol.

  17. Phelps says:

    Wow, R! That was the first written Spanish conversation that I totally understood!

    At least I broke my habit of sprinkling pinche into all my sentence. (I picked that up when I was working at the Anatole Hotel.)