The Mexigogue Takes on a Cult

This is an old story but nobody knows about it but me and perhaps Sir Courvoisier so it’s new to the rest of y’all. Here goes:

Back in 1996 when I was new to the internet, I used to use my roomate’s AOL account and jump on the Islam Beliefs chatroom all the time and have theological tussles of all kinds, usually arguing with Jewish or Christian trolls who came into the chat room to start debates. This was all good and fun and I got to know pretty well how best to debate with each group. I used to think the born again Christians were the most annoying to debate until I came upon a sect calling themselves Nuwaubians.

This was a group who used Islamic terminology but did not call themselves Muslims. They were self professed followers of a man they called Dr. Malachi Z. York who disparaged mainstream religion and referred to his followers as scientists expounding “right knowlege”. These followers would hit the chatroom in droves at select times but I had never known this Dr. York to visit the chatroom although his followers insisted that he would be there under the screen name “Malchezdek”.

Many of York’s followers claimed to have previously been Muslims, either orthodox or of the Nation of Islam variety, and said that Dr. York had shown them where Islam had been corrupted after the death of the prophet. They claimed that under the caliphate of Uthman, all copies of the real Qur’an had been destroyed and a new false Qur’an had been promulgated. They also claimed there was intentional mistranslation of the classical Arabic of the Qur’an and if you pressed them, they would even break down the etymology of the Arabic words which would leave non-Arabic readers like me speechless. In short, the were knowledgable as shit and if they were lying I could not prove it.

Once, after a lengthy online debate with a Nuwaubian and somewhere around 1:00 in the morning, the person I was arguing with asked for my phone number. The guy actually called and according to his area code he was calling from somewhere along the east coast. He was trying to convert me and I think he thought the personal touch of hearing a human voice would aid his cause better than a computer debate. In that respect he was wrong but I went to sleep feeling a little unnerved.

There were also various rumors about Dr. York, including that he was from Brooklyn, that he had previously done time in prison, that he was even raped in prison, that the Nuwaubians sect was actually the third cult he had started, the other two having petered out after he had proclaimed himself The Messiah. Then there was some slander that he had raped sheep but I think that was more than likely just malicious talk from people who hated his sect. All these things, whether true or not, were rather amusing. It was also said that he had once been a singer in a disco band.

Then one day, impatient at his never arriving in the chatroom, I created a screen name that looked identical to his alleged screen name. Rather than making a “Malchezdek” (that was already taken), I made the same name except rather than using a lower case “L” I used an upper case i. The result was the name looked almost the same. Then, in the midst of a Nuwaubian assault on the Islam chat room, I entered the room under the screen name “MaIchezdek”.

Initially I just started spouting some Nuwaubian slogans that I knew would get some attention. “The real Qur’an has been destroyed! You’re following a false Muhammad! Open your mind to The Truth, Seek Right Knowledge!”

The Muslims were livid and began denouncing me. The Nuwaubians were ecstatic. “It’s him!” they shouted. “Dr. York is here!”

“You have done well. You’ve been fighting the good fight” I said to them. “You’ve taught us well!” One of them responded. “Now those Muslims are really gonna get it!”

Now the Muslims caught on that Dr. York was in the house (or so they thought.) They immediately began attacking me. “You are a false prophet!” the screamed. “You’re misguided” I answered. “You’re a disco singer!” “That’s a slander and irrelevent” I replied. Then they really went after me.

“Dr. York was raped in prison!” one of them shouted.

“Hey, that was a long time ago!” I said.

“Dr. York rapes sheep!”

“Hey buddy, those sheep consented!” I yelled back.

“That’s not the real Dr. York! He’s a fake!” the Nuwaubians yelled. “My cult has turned against me!” I said. “He’s a fake! The real Dr. York wouldn’t call us a cult!”

Then, just before I left the room, one of the Nuwaubians said “Watch your back homie!” I’m like oh shit, I’m gonna fuck around and get my ass killed. Then I remembered the account was in Gary’s name and was like “Oh, I mean I’m gonna fuck around and get Gary killed. Oh well.”

I forgot about the cult after that. I think they stopped going to the Islam chatroom and they dropped out of my mind completely. Then one day, years later, as I was checking the news online, I read this

I just wonder how you say “ha ha!” in classical Arabic.

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