My First Time

My first time was when I had just turned seventeen. Stop laughing, that’s about normal for dudes. I was in Texas, it was summer break from school, and this girl I liked named Della wasn’t ever going to give it up. She was in fact talking about becoming a nun. But she did hook me up with her friend named Carmen, a chick who was a year older than me and already had a kid. I deduced that meant she put out (damn I’m smart.)

Meeting Carmen was really weird because Della wasn’t there but she sent me to the mall to the restaurant where Carmen was a hostess. Carmen was expecting me and the first thing I noticed was that she was ok looking. She greeted me pleasantly and immediately took a smoke break so that we could get acquainted. I can ignore the smoking thing, I thought, if it only gets me to the end zone.

She ordered lunch and shared it with me although I didn’t quite know what it was. I had never heard of a chimichanga before. “I know that chinga in Spanish means fuck,” I says “and I know that changa means female monkey. And I ain’t eatin’ no fuckinin’ monkey!” She assured me it wasn’t monkey so I ate. The cook was a jealous ex boyfriend and he ate lunch with us and acted like an ass.

I think it was that same day she borrowed a friend’s truck and the thing stalled a million times because she didn’t know how to drive a stick shift. At some point we got to her house and I met her brothers Carlos and Manuel. Carlos was twenty-one and he was one of those insane Mexicans who would kill you at the drop of a hat. He later was charged with stabbing a seventeen year old. I remind you I was seventeen at the time. Luckily I wasn’t the one.

After her brother disappeared Carmen and I went for a walk in the park. Her baby was in the stroller. At some point we started making out. Wow, I thought. Today I get to first base. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get to second! Things were getting all hot and heavy.

“Fuck it, let’s do it” Carmen says.

“Do what?” I ask.

“You know, it! (lol n00b!)

“Uhhhh, ok.”

We go back to her house and luckily Carlos is gone. “If he knew what we’re doing he would kill you!” Nice to know. I’m going to do it anyway because my hormones are screaming at me.

I’m in, we’re doing it, I’m all surprised. I keep checking out the window as per her instructions to make sure her brother doesn’t come back. At some point I REALLY get into it and stop checking out the window. I’m all in and I’m waiting for the big payoff. It’s right around the corner. Suddenly BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!! “CARMENNNNN!”

“OH SHIT, IT’S MY BROTHER! GET YOUR CLOTHES ON!”

I’m dressing really quickly as she tries to stall him. I’m all set to go out the back door but she says no, he’ll hear. Go out the window. So I go out the window and buckle myself as I make my way through the back alley. A dog barks and I jump but it’s not loose. I begin a three mile walk back home. I narrowly escaped death but it was worth it. I’ve finally made a touchdown (if not the extra point.)

Stay tuned to tomorrow’s exciting continuation of How I Dissed Carmen and Laughed All the Way Back to Michigan

21 Responses to “My First Time”

  1. all that and you didn’t even get a nut

  2. Mexigogue says:

    What do you think I did with the dog?

  3. rae says:

    Wow -that sucks-you should have just kept fucking her until you were “done” and let her brother wait outside.

  4. Mexigogue says:

    If I’ve been dead since 1987 there’s no blog entry for you to read.

  5. HMT says:

    best story ever.

    besides everyone else’s first fuck story.

    mine cried and went to fuck someone else afterwards.

    we’re all stars!

  6. Mexigogue says:

    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Now I feel better!!

  7. Citizen Quasar says:

    Well worth the read. Did the dog survive?

  8. Phelps says:

    Chimichangas rule. I can’t believe that you didn’t know what a chimighanga was. That’s like me not knowing was grits and chittlins are.

    AND you don’t eat tamales. There is something wrong with you.

  9. Mexigogue says:

    I do too eat tamales if they’re made with turkey grease instead of pork grease. And I think chimichangas are a regional thing in certain parts of Mexico. My mom is from just outside of Guadalajara where they didn’t have stuff like food!

  10. Mexigogue says:

    Ha! According to this page I was right: Chimichangas is a Northern Mexico thing and my peeps are from South-Central Mexico! That explains why my grandmother and aunts (all prolific cooks) never made that stuff.

  11. R says:

    I’m glad, too.

    El D.F. representando, putos!

  12. Mexigogue says:

    From the Guy With the Bumblebee Costume.

  13. HMT says:

    from heaven.

  14. Phelps says:

    Where do fish tacos come from?

  15. Mexigogue says:

    Huh huh! Huh huh! I always though that a shaved coochie looks like a taco. The fish part just makes it funnier!

  16. Adrian says:

    LOL!

    My first was at the tender age of 17 too. She was 24.

    The joys of alcohol and the influences of illegal substances…

  17. Jenn says:

    I’m with Phelps on this. I can’t believe you didn’t know what Chimichangas were and are being picky about tamales.

    Grits are yummy!

    Oh, yeah, I’m still a virgin.

  18. Mexigogue says:

    Jenn, chimichangas were not always a universal staple. We have them even in Michigan now but back then they were probably unheard of in most places except the southwest. And you can’t pull my Mexican card because the Mexicans at the Camp Pendleton Base Brig already did that in 1989. They said I hung out with the brothas too much so they excommunicated me.

  19. Jenn says:

    ‘S all good. Still got nothing but love for you, shorty.

    I don’t even like chimichangas. 😀

  20. Phelps says:

    I like that page. Tex-Mex is pretty much a combination of Southern US and Norte cooking. I’ve had carne seca con huevos before — it kicks more ass than migas or chorizo. And I heard that my tamale place is going to start making cabrito now that my mother pointed out a butcher around here that deals in it. I never knew as a kid why the Mexicans down the street would always get a goat around Easter but never keep it around.

    Those tamales kicked ass like Snake Pliskin, though.