I Hate My Neighbors

I have loud neighbors. Godawful loud neighbors. It’s not just sometimes, it’s damn near all the time. I don’t know if this is the same dude who got arrested shortly after moving in and then the cops had to come and send the K-9 unit to kick out his hangers-on, but it’s the same house. Whoever it is there’s always a house full of mothafuckas and there’s traffic coming and going at all hours. Either they’re dope dealers or they are very popular people. I mean popular like P-Diddy.

During the day there’s all kinds of ignorance, loud arguments over money, people calling each other bitches and mufuckas, mess like that. Then the other night I got home from the bar and they were still going at it, BLAH BLAH BLAH and the BOOM BOOM of music blasting, people rolling up with the thunderous bass. I had a half a mind to pull out my squad automatic weapon (SAW) and just start blasting through the walls until either everyone was dead or my message was at least conveyed. Then I remembered, I don’t have a SAW. I looked around the room for a weapon. I have a rock and a Louisevill Slugger. The risk was too great. I can see the headlines now: Mexican Assaults Ignorant Ghetto Thugs with Baseball Bat, Dies in Hail of Gunfire. I went to sleep dreaming of tossing a molotov cocktail through their living room window.

Yesterday this chick named Nikki came over and hung out with me on my porch. We got some forties and I was all set to porch it up classy ghetto style, which is to say drinking forties quietly. To my alarm Nikki starts relating to me an argument she had with her ex. BLAH BLAH BLAH, MOTHERFUCKER THIS, GODDAMIT THAT!! Oh great. Now my house is noisy too. In my defense that’s probably the only noise from my place that was audible in the street ever since Halima still lived there and would periodically yell out “DON’T TOUCH ME!”

So I hate my neighbors and now that I blogged about molotov cocktails I can’t actually throw one. I have to sit there and suffer through it. Or I was thinking I could get with my other neighbors (who I presume hate the newcomers too) and we could stand in front of the offending household with trumpets, cymbals, and a snare drum at the time when THOSE motherfuckers sleep which would be, like, NOON! Yeahhhhhh!

22 Responses to “I Hate My Neighbors”

  1. Phelps says:

    Dude, I can’t find the link, but THAT VERY THING HAPPENED. Some Mexican dude in Florida (I think) was arguing with a gang, and they pulled a gun on him, so he ran inside — AND CAME OUT WITH A BAT. They shot his ass dead right on his own porch. I mean, I knife, that would be funny, but a bat is just sad.

    Oh, and you can’t make noise when they are sleeping. You are at work all day.

  2. Mexigogue says:

    A bat against a gun huh? I wish that guy was still alive. I could totally rape him of all his money in a paper/scissors/rocks contest. He wouldn’t understand what beats what.

  3. HMT says:

    molotov cocktails remind me of the holy water in Castlevania that caught on fire. That game was awesome.

    As for the loud neighbors…have you tried bringing them some tea?

  4. You just know they are selling dope out of that house. I say get good and drunk and on your way home from Leroy’s torch the place….

  5. That stuff really exists, HMT. It is called Greek Fire. Its made with naptha and white phosphorus. And I think I tasted some fulminates and some nutmeg.

  6. Phelps says:

    Forgot to change my name back. Oops.

  7. R says:

    They call us molotov because we splode on sight
    Keep on talkin’ shit if you’re lookin’ for a fight
    Your mouth keeps moving but all I hear is noise
    If you’re fucking with the gringo loco you better go get your boyz.

  8. Mexigogue says:

    That song was brought to you today by the letter R!

  9. Citizen Quasar says:

    What about a flaming arrow in a high arch from your back yard? [Notice that’s a question=Plausible deniability.] Maybe one with phosphorus or dynamite on it in the middle of the night when they are all fucked up and arguing over there. Oops! Don’t hit the wrong house.

    All that noise violates your property rights and is probably against some city ordinance anyway. Fuck’em. 911 their ass to hell.

    Of course, you could always move…naw. Fuck’em. 911 their ass outta’ there. The cops are gonna’ get involved eventually anyway.

    Sweet dreams.

  10. Mexigogue says:

    The flaming arrow is a very good idea. I might use it. It’s either gonna be that or I’m going to employ a West Appalachian burrowing midget with some claymores and C-4. I’ll detonate it when he’s hooking it all up so I can off the midget too while I’m at it.

  11. Cosmic Siren says:

    Their cousins live in the apartments around me.

    First, it was just two apts across from my bedroom. Now they have more above us and behind us. It’s like a freakin’ party outside and during the day, they let the kids run free.

  12. Mexigogue says:

    According to this book by Isaac Asimov the secret to making Greek fire was supposed to be lost in antiquity, but that book is old. Have they remade it again in modern times? I’m all out of the loop.

  13. Cosmic Siren says:

    I bet they abuse shopping carts too.

  14. Phelps says:

    Oh, and on retrospect, I think the story may have said, “Hispanic” which leads me to believe that the guy may have been Cuban or something OTM.

    He wasn’t El Salvadorian or he would have come back with an FN rather than a bat.

  15. Phelps says:

    Thw “authentic” Greek Fire is up for graps, but you can pretty closely duplicate the record (Homer?) With those chemicals.

    And Mexi, you don’t need explosives. You just need to brace the tunnel and then burn out the braces. Classic sapping.

    How in the hell did this turn into Siege 101? Greek Fire, flaming arrows, sapping… Fuckit, just build a ballista and skewer their asses.

  16. HMT says:

    Greek Fire!

    Sounds like a hairy Greek Man STD

  17. How about a catapult with some rancid meat or coleslaw. Better yet you should put a watermelon under their porch and let it rot. Those things stink……

  18. Phelps says:

    I think Guy is baiting me with the watermelon line…

  19. Black Eddie says:

    Sheeeit. YOU???

  20. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    No bait here Phelps, unless you are into rotting watermelons.

  21. Jenn says:

    I read this post on my cell today, killing time, and it busted me the fuck up.

    Go get ’em, Mexi!

  22. Adrian says:

    Find THE local gang and convince them that these turds are selling drugs on their turf.

    Gnags tend to kill first and forget about asking questions later. Better yet, the rival factions would kill each other and then there would be NOBODY left anymore. And nobody would mind because the gangs are dead.

    Or you could just call Dreadcow.