Strange Fruit!

So I’m at Leroy’s last night and there’s this dude there who is flaming, flamboyant, whatever you want to call it. We’ll say he was fancy. Well fancy-boy is singing scary-okey and got all the female mannerisms, an awful voice, and he looks gumpy. He’s the kind of guy where you go hey, if I was even thinking about being gay I wouldn’t stick nothing in that! Anyway the dude is singing terribly and flouncing around so we’re all doing the right thing which is to laugh at him. No harm done, we can all peacefully coexist as long as you understand that if you’re deviant and bizzare you’re going to get laughed at.

I play pool, play video golf and shoot the shit with the regular crowd. The “D” and I follow a pair of tits around the bar that might or might not have been attached to an entire person, I’m not sure as I couldn’t get my eyes off the breasticles. Later towards the end of the night I make a trip to the restroom. I usually leave this part of my stories out because with all the beer-drinking it’s implied and plus who wants to hear about what goes on in the pisser? But here is the where my story gets fucked up.

Any dude who’s been to Leroy’s can tell you that the bathroom has a urinal that’s about two feet wide and it’s got a stall with a toilet. Bathroom etiquette dictates that if you go in and somebody’s at the urinal then the place for you to go is the stall with the toilet. While a two foot wide urinal is technically wide enough to be used by two people at once, guys don’t normally want to stand side by side with their junk hanging out and standing too close in case somebody’s spraying gets out of hand.

If both the toilet and the urinal were occupied you might could get away with being the second guy at the urinal in the case of emergency but you would have to accompany it with an explanation like “Aw dawg I’m sorry but I gotta go now or I’ma piss on myself”, but I digress.

I’m at the pisser and this fruity guy comes in and SPITS in the urinal that I’m using. He didn’t spit from normal distance either, he bent his head down right near where I got my junk out and spit into the pisser with his head at about my waist level! Then he unzips and stands right next to me at the urinal even though the toilet stall was clearly unoccupied! I say “MOVE mothafucka, this ain’t no communal. . . ”

To my amazement, he just stands there pretending to piss as if I hadn’t said anything (we’re here, we’re queer, we don’t want any bears). This is the biggest affront. In ‘hood ethics if you directly challenge someone and they simply turn their back and ignore you, they are basically saying you ain’t @#*& and you’re not even worth a response. I should have knocked him out but short term justice can lead to long term consequences so I simply zipped up and left.

When I got back to the pool tables I immediately start telling the story to Ken and Dave. I’m not telling it quiet either because I’m outraged! As I’m telling what this mufa did, he gets right behind right when Dave says WHO? I point to the guy and say THIS MOTHAFUCKA RIGHT HERE!!

One again I describe what happened all the while pointing at the troll. I’m not talking to him but rather talking to Dave and Ken about him. At this point he says “I wasn’t trying to hit on you” (not the point) “I was -”

“STOP! STOP!” I turn to him. “DON’T SAY ANYTHING TO ME! THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY TO ME THAT. . . . UUUGHHH!!!”

You see, I didn’t say anything homophobic. I’m not homophobic, I’m just scared of gay people. The guy ended up sitting down because I was giving this look in my eyes like I was about to snap. I wasn’t really going to but I know how to give that appearance and it shuts up people who aren’t willing to call your bluff.

The point was not that he’s a flame but that in bringing his activities to Leroy’s he is upsetting the social norm. We can take having George Michaels on the mic, in the restroom is another matter. That’s not the way we do things there. I would expect him to clown someone else if they were to go to a gay bar and act flamboyantly straight. What a night. I think I need some coffee.

14 Responses to “Strange Fruit!”

  1. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Dude that story is jacked up!!!! Man I remember this one time in Detroit at this reggae joint some drunk(stoned) Jamican pulled the same stuff on my boy Daryl. The funny part was that the Drunk Jamican let it spray and actually got some on Daryl’s leg. The scene was so damn funny. I was cracking up, the Jamican was chilling like nothing happened and Daryl threatened to kill everybody in his family before he deicded on an appropriate course of action he turned to his lefe and let it go all over the stoner’s legs…..

    Disclaimer. this is a true story up to the point where Daryl pisses back on the other guy.

  2. Mexigogue says:

    Oh no. Now that I drank coffee I have to go piss again.

  3. Phelps says:

    Dude — I would have seriously fucked that guy up. He probably wouldn’t be carried out by paramedics, but he would be limping out instead of walking out. It isn’t even a gay thing — I would have beat the shit out of a straight guy too.

    It isn’t even the pissing thing — it is the way he reacted and ignoring you. That is a challenge — well, guess what, homey? You’re in the wrong fucking hood, fucking with the wrong guy, and that challenge just got answered. What is he going to do? Come out of the bathroom all fucked up and claim that you beat the shit out of him for no reason? It isn’t going to help him to come out and say that he stuck his head down by your dick and then ignored you when you said something. They still have to have the concept of provocation in Michigan. (They sure as hell do in Texas.)

    “Let me get this straight — you come in, and the first time that you are here, Mike — the guy that has been coming here for years and has never started any trouble — just beats the hell out of you?”

    And then you say, “That motherfucker is crazy. I was in the bathroom, and he just starts punching himself like in the movie Fight Club. You guys need to ban his crazy ass before he beats up someone else.”

    I bet you would come out ahead.

  4. Cosmic Siren says:

    I bet you would come out ahead.

    Wrong terminology for this situation. It just leads to visuals.

  5. Mexigogue says:

    I actually thought about that after I got home, that there could have been a huge commotion in there and then I could have walked out and calmly explained that the guy slipped and fell. I’m known for never starting trouble.

    Then if I got charged with a hate crime I’d say I just thought he was metrosexual so it doesn’t count as they’re not a protected class.

  6. Mexigogue says:

    Nice one Cosmic. Bobbing for bratworst!

  7. Cosmic Siren says:

    I figure it’s not much different than a guy undoing the top button of a gal’s blouse without invitation and claiming he was just trying to help her look better.

    Sidenote – I actually had a male teacher do that to me in sixth grade. If I knew then what I know now, his ass would have been soooo fired.

    Actually, he was let go by the end of the year for a lack of professionalism. I don’t think it had anything to do with that incident because I’m not sure I told anyone. He used to wear tight jeans and I remember him reading to us, while we sat on the floor and he sat in a chair, legs open and we could see holes in the crouch of his jeans. I would close my eyes and just not look at him.

  8. Mexigogue says:

    To sit there and suffer in silence must have been horrible. For me being a dude I know I could have whupped his *** but trying to stay within the bounds of the law I tried to make him miserable as possible with my verbal attack. I should have called him fugly.

  9. Cosmic Siren says:

    When he did the blouse, I gave him a look from hell and rebuttoned it. This was in the 70s and I had large ruffles on the blouse. They laid better with the top button fastened. Otherwise when I looked down, I had to see around purple frills.

  10. Cosmic Siren says:

    Actually, you’re right about the times he read us stories. It was extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing as a 12 year old.

  11. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Dude, What’s up with your teacher having pants with holes in the crotch. That is just down right Nasty

  12. Mexigogue says:

    I bet when you guys saw the title of today’s blog entry you thought it was gonna be about Billie Holiday huh?

  13. Cosmic Siren says:

    I have no idea. As a preteen, I just assumed he was either too poor or too busy to get new clothes and didn’t know how to sew up something like that. Or maybe he didn’t know they were there. I don’t know.

    He wasn’t bad looking, IIRC. He should of had a girlfriend.

    It could have been worse. I had a guy about a year or two later on my paper route ask me what I would do if he jumped over the fence in his backyard and grabbed me as I was walking back home.

    You know, until then, I was a thin kid. I started to put on weight after that.

  14. Urinal Violation

    When I saw this commercial, I thought of Mexigogue. All I can say is that, as a guy, this is a complete urinal violation….