Coca Cola

When I was 15 I moved from Lansing to live at my tia Maria’s house in San Angelo, Texas. I expected a lot of changes with the move but the first shock came when my aunt refused to support my Coke habit. I would go through a two liter within a day and a half and the cost was beginning to become prohibitive. At first she started buying less and I complained. When she cut off the goods entirely, I started fiendin’ in earnest. She said I was hooked on caffeine and told me to drink coffee instead. I actually didn’t believe it was the caffeine and I argued that it was the cool, crisp taste of an icy cold Coca Cola classic that I was after. She held her ground and like I dummy I sweated out a few weeks of caffeine withdrawel when all I had to do was try coffee.

By the time of my triumphant return to civilization in 1987 I had been working enough to support my own habit and to have leftover cash. On a trip to the clothing department I happened upon a Coca Cola hat which I bought both because I thought hats were cool and wanted to represent. I was wearing that hat on a now famous trip to Riverfront Park where I met a chick named Toni Esther (this was before she blew up to 250 lbs, she used to be fine). I was hanging with my friend Tyrone and we bumped into one of his aquaintences who looked like a duck. I said what’s your name? He said my name is Guy in the UNLV Jacket. I said but you’re not wearing a UNLV Jacket. He said and you’re not drinking a Coke.

In my 20s I started drinking coffee which I toss down in copious amounts at this point in my life but I still have love and reverence for my original love, Coca Cola. I remember back when they had a million dollar prize contest if you got all the letters to spell Cola Cola under the caps. I remember their ill advised scheme to end production of the original Coca Cola formula and the introduction of the ill fated New Coke (let me drive the Edsel to the corner store and pick some up.) But most of all I remember that Coke adds life. Pepsi then, by implication, adds death. Think about it.

I truly hate people who make no distinction between Coke and Pepsi. If I ask for Coke and the waitress says “Is Pepsi all right?” I”m THIS close to making an exception to my objection to the initiation of violence. How about some pussy? Is a DICK all right? WHAT. .. THE. .. . . FUCK?????????

Perhaps I’m a little too emotionally invested in this to be unbiased on the issue. Or maybe it’s the caffeine. Who cares? Coke rules and Pepsi drools. Live with it.

This is not a paid advertisement. I did it for the love.

13 Responses to “Coca Cola”

  1. rae says:

    I have ALWAYS been a Coke drinker! When my mom started buying “Big K” cola-I went on a hunger strike for like 2 days. Then I caved in and drank it for a few weeks. Then I gave up soda all together. Now I only rarely endulge on the empty calories. My ass gets too big when I drink soda daily. Ugh.

  2. mexigogue says:

    My mom tried buying that fake Sugar Smacks, what’s it called, Puffed Rice, no sugar, no frog? The shit was too poor to even have a box, it came in a freakin’ bag! I was all alike. .. HEY. . . MISSY! DON’T BE BRINGING ME NO FAKE ASS CEREAL. . AND GET IN THE KITCHEN. .. AND BAKE ME SOME PIE!

  3. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Man the brokest cereal we ever got was some crap with Popeye on the bag. Just like your cereal to crappy for a box……I don’t even remember what it was called.

  4. Phelps says:

    I don’t drink Coke anymore, and rarely drink any suger water at all. I’ll occasionally have a sprite, or a Dr. Pepper. The only time I drink Coke is when it has rum in it.

    Royal Crown over crushed ice is still pretty good, though.

    Also, I just made a connection — only in EUROPEAN blackjack are you allowed to “surrender” a hand. And they play European style on the French Riviera. And that sounds like Geraldo Riviera (or really, Jerry Rivers) who is also a moonbat idiot.

  5. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Fucking French!!!!!!

  6. mexigogue says:

    You with the freedom fries!

    RC is good. I like heads up rivalries like the beer and soda wars. In the 80s BK used to give you a deal if you came in and said “The Whopper beat the Bic Mac.” It’s true, it is better than the Big Mac. But that’s not hard to do. I’ve excreted things that were better than a Bic Mac. That plus McDonald’s hs better fries.

  7. rae says:

    NO way dude-I love BK’s fries-they are by far better.

  8. Phelps says:

    BK fried are a sugar coated mess now. It’s like eating tiny fried potato pies. They are repulsive to me. I didn’t like it when Arbys went to them, I didn’t like them at Jaca Ta Vas, and I don’t like them now.

  9. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Rob Base once said “I like the Whopper F#$% the Big Mac”…..

  10. Citizen Publius says:

    Dr. Pepper rules. But, I like my green tea now.

  11. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    I wish they had a MR T. soft drink. That makes me wonder why did B.A. Baracus always drink the milk?

  12. Mexigogue says:

    If the point is to get calcium you get better bang for the buck with green leafy vegetables than you do with milk. Plus less fat grams. To bad I don’t smoke weed. Wait, you don’t really get the calcium when you smoke it do you?

  13. R says:

    Man, now I feel bad for accepting Pepsi when I ask for a Coke at the drive-thru and they tell me “Is Pepsi ok?” I mean, I thought being an easy-going guy was good (though not easy-going enough to accept dick instead of puss-ay) but apparently it just means I have no moral values, convictions, or balls.

    Fucktacular.