Back in the Day

Back in 1993 my friend Bernard came over. I was living with my kids’ mom back then and she was a goody-two shoes so when Bernard asked me if he could smoke a joint I told him to go out onto the patio. Smoking weed is not my thing but I wasn’t mad at it if it was his so I went out there with him and he got to talking.

He told me he had just bought a used car but that he didn’t have a license plate for it yet. He asked if I had an old one he could put on the car so he could drive it home. I said I had one but I warned him not to take any detours, just drive straight home because if they run the plates you will go to jail. He assured me it was all good so I gave him the plates and he went on his way.

The next night my brother and I were going to East Lansing to hang out at a college bar. I was all geeked because I hadn’t hung out there in a while and we arrived on campus rather early. My brother suggested we get something to eat before a long night out so we went the Burger King at the student union. How more innocuous can you get than that? I should have been in no trouble at all. Wrong.

My other friend Tyrone had done something ignorant and made enemies. For some reason some of them were under the impression that he was banned from the MSU campus. Because people knew me by sight from hanging out with him, they were under the impression that I also was banned (both impressions were later proved false, neither one of us was banned but that is neither here nor there.) Somebody alerted the campus police of my presence and halfway through my double whopper with cheese an MSU cop approached me.

When he asked my name I had a sinking feeling because I actually had a warrant. I had just started a job but was still currently behind on child support so I didn’t need to run into any cops. When they asked me to produce identification I knew I was hit. They ran my ID through the database and when it came back they announced that they had no record of me being banned from MSU but that they had to take me to jail for child support. They took me away and my brother was left to hang out by himself.

When they took me to jail and processed me I cursed my circumstances. I hadn’t done anything to attract the cop’s attention but then again my association with caustic people was my own fault. They booked and printed me and I was thinking of who to call as they led me to the common cell. When I get there I was dumbfounded. There in the cell (among about 10 people) was Bernard sitting at the phone.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked Bernard.

“Mothafucka, I’m trying to call you!

Everyone looked back at me, evidently awaiting my response.

“Well here I am!”

(general laughter)

25 Responses to “Back in the Day”

  1. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    His name is Brainard!

  2. Mexigogue says:

    The part I left out was that he got arrested because on the drive home a cop pulled up alongside him at a red light. Bernard flashed the cop the “peace” sign and they nodded back. Then when the light turned green he didn’t go because he didn’t want the cop to be behind him. The cop didn’t go either so after about 15 seconds Bernard finally had to go and the cop knew something was up so he pulled behind him and and ran the plates.

    I know his name is spelled Brainard but I feel dumb typing it like that.

  3. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    HOw can you feel dumb typing “Brain”ard? Brainard is a good guy but he is to much of a cop magnet. He is lucky he smoked his joint before he hit the road otherwise he would of had a nice little posession charge.

  4. Mexigogue says:

    One time, after Harold got dementia and he went missing, I had to call the cops to report him missing (my mom was too upset to do it.) When I gave his name and description and asked the police to be on the lookout for him, the copy lady asked for my address so she could send some officers to come take a report.

    I said “You’re sending some cops over here??

    She said “Yes, they should be there shortly.”

    “Oh, well let me put this joint out then.”

    Silence

    “That was a joke.”

    “Sir, don’t joke like that, they monitor these calls.”

  5. Amicusser says:

    My father got one of those. He was driving a truck full of rental furniture and appliances for a repair center, and he was making a run from Corpus Christi back to Dallas and got stopped right outside San Antonio by the State Troopers. (You don’t have to be doing anything wrong. They run spot inspections of commercial trucks for safety equipment and such.)

    The first thing they always do is ask for your license, logbook and bill of lading. Then they asked him, “what have you got in the back?”

    With no hesitation and a straight face, he said, “truckload of Mexicans.”

    They stopped for about 10 full seconds, and then said, “sir, do you want to be on the side of this road for the next six hours? If not, wait until we are done for the jokes.”

  6. Phelps says:

    I kept forgetting to change my name back. This commenting stuff is hard.

  7. R says:

    Once when we were driving back into the states after visiting family in Mexico our car got tagged to get searched for drugs and shit. The cops were out with their dogs and mirrors and all that and my dad was fucking pissed as all hell. I mean, he was a fucking university professor with a wife and three kids coming back from visiting relatives.

    He made some kind of smart-ass remark to the border cops and they were all like “Watch what you say, sir.”

    Ah, Texas.

  8. Phelps says:

    Hey, Mexi, Black Glenn is tearing it up again.

    “Bitch, you better worry about how your mongoloid husband is going to put food on the table!”

    http://www.contractorpeon.com/blog/index.php?p=13

  9. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Speaking of retarted alw enforcement officers in Texas. My wife got stopped there by the border patrol. They asked if she was a U.S. citizen and she said no and produced her Botswana pasport and visa. The genius replied that Botswana wasn’t a country and gave her a bunch of shit. Just ‘because he never heard of it. I sure am glad that we have the best and brightest out protecting our borders

  10. Mexigogue says:

    He probably thought Africa was a country and Botswana was a county.

  11. R says:

    “And how about Chewbacca? I could never tell if he was black or Mexican. I think he was Mexican (nicknamed Chewie, mechanic, can’t tell what the hell he is saying, etc).”

    Brilliant!

  12. The "D" says:

    I learned in Windsor Ontario that you never mess with the borderpatrol people. When you cross the Ambassador Bridge or the Windosr Tunnel you have to keep to direct answers. They will tear your car apart if you give them any shit.

  13. Mexigogue says:

    I need to drive UNLV’s car up there and talk smack to the border patrol then for a practical joke!

  14. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Be closer to drive UNLV’s car to Mexico than Canada. Mexico is only 2 hours away……

  15. Mexigogue says:

    Yeah and after they strip your car down I can get a lift back home jammed into the Phelps’ daddy’s truck with a hundred Mexicans!

  16. Phelps says:

    At the Mexican border they strip your car down and then put it back together with hydraulics and dingleballs hanging from the roof at the winshield.

  17. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    It’ll be just like that movie born in East L.A.

  18. Mexigogue says:

    That was a documentary.

  19. Phelps says:

    That was a movie? I thought Cheech was my uncle.

  20. Mexigogue says:

    Hey I deleted a post about an almost threesome back in march but you can still access it if you google mexigogue threesome
    or
    “now you threesome now you don’t”

  21. Phelps says:

    Do you want me to manually delete the file, or do you like having it around as an Easter Egg?

  22. Mexigogue says:

    I like being able to bring it back up. I was actually saddened when I thought it was gone, kind of like how you imagine Jesus was saddened when he found out he hadn’t written down the original lyrics to The Lord’s Prayer so his buddies had to approximate it from scatch.

  23. Phelps says:

    Now that I think about it, I’ve gotten like four threeway offers, and they were all a dude and a skank offering. Maybe that is why I never took any of them up. I bet if I did, it would go like this:

    Me “Uh… how about if I just get a blowjob?”

    Dude: “Sure. Hey, she can go get me some cigarettes while we do that.”

    Me: “ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
    [sound of door slamming]
    [sound of car starting]
    [sound of tires squeeling]
    [sound of Aidan sobbing]

  24. Mexigogue says:

    HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!

    ok i’m out until tomorrow morning, PEACE!!!!

  25. Brian says:

    Man, am I GLAD I’m not Mexican! Usually when I go through borders, the border guard is asking me shit like “Do you have any blah blah blah”, and then I just point to a Mexican and say “He tried to sell me drugs”, and they’re all like “Thank you, sir!” And then the Mexican is all face down in the concrete and I go on my way. But I always feel a little bad about it. Mexicans are nice people, usually. They made Gorditas! And Churros…damn, I’m hungry.

    (Note: All racist remarks were most definitely made in jest. Any replies to the tune of “Do you have any Mexican in you? No? You want some?” will be completely disregarded by the author as sophomoric. Seriously, though, I like Mexicans. Did I mention Gorditas?)