I have exactly eight one dollar bills in my pocket. I know this because this morning I wondered how many I had and I counted them. No lie, it went like this:

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.

Behold the power of the television.

The news showed this rescue in southern California which has had some serious flooding. The fire department was pulling this guy out from the water onto an overpass. Just as he got to the edge and they were getting ready to haul him in his hands slipped and he plunged back down headfirst almost smacking into a concrete embankment. They later saved him but someone remarked “They almost lost him right there!”

“They did it on purpose” I say, “Just to milk the bit.”

Today is Lavonda’s first day back to work in like five months. She’s been on leave taking care of her daughter who barely survived a serious car accident. We were supposed to bring something for a pot luck breakfast but I forgot. I always forget. Now I feel bad.

One thing you should never do is to collect a bunch of dandruff and store it in a parmesan cheese shaker. Things happen and people get blamed.

To heck with this, I’m going to go and drink some more coffee. I have to lie low anyway. There are like three women in the office pushing girl scout cookies and they say it can get pretty competitive. I think it’s all a big hustle, kind of like the Southpark Tooth Fairy Racket.

26 Responses to “”

  1. rae says:

    MMMMMmmmmm cookies.

  2. The "D" says:

    That become $3.50

  3. R says:

    My coffee mug at work has a guy sitting at a computer with a speech bubble containing the following:

    “Go the fuck away! I’m working on some bad-ass computer shit right now! I have no time for team spirit!”

    One day while shooting the shit with my co-workers and boss in the coffee room, my boss’ curiosity was finally piqued enough for him to pick up and examine my coffee mug. He was surprised that I would have such a vulgar expression on my mug, see, because I’m very polite and never cuss at work. But he and the rest of the guys laughed their asses off over the mug.

    Score one for vulgar language on coffee mugs.

  4. Mexigogue says:

    DUDE!! WHAT IS YOUR *&$@ING PROBLEM?? JUST BECAUSE I MENTION COFFEE DOES NOT MAKE IT OPEN SEASON TO START TALKING ABOUT COFFEE MUGS! THE COFFEE MUG DISCUSSION WAS HERE!!! THE SUBJECT TODAY IS THE LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY JINGLE!! KEEP UP OR GET LEFT BEHIND!!!

    Just kidding! Nice coffee mug story. I just wanted to rant so I was gonna ambush whoever commented next. You just made yourself available at the right time! 🙂

  5. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Dude pot luck days afr for women. I never bring anything and always eat like a king guilt free!!!

  6. Mexigogue says:

    Well they always bitch at me about not bringing anything so once I brought a block of jalapeno cheese. They loved me for that but now I have raised the bar.

  7. rae says:

    Do what my co-worker did for our holiday potluck. Stop at McDonald’s on your way in and buy 10 cheeseburgers. It’s only like 6 bucks and EVERYONE loves McDonald’s. LMAO

  8. Mexigogue says:

    NO PLUGGING FAST FOOD OUTLETS ON MY BLOG!! WHAT ARE THEY PAYING YOU?? WHAT NEXT ARE YOU GONNA START TALKING ABOUT THE TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES, SPECIAL SAUCE, LETTUCE CHEESE PICKLES ONIONS ALL ON A SESAME SEED BUN??

    oh now I’m just getting myself hungry.

  9. R says:

    “Just kidding! Nice coffee mug story. I just wanted to rant so I was gonna ambush whoever commented next. You just made yourself available at the right time!”

    One day I was at a Waldenbooks in the mall and I found one of those pocket sexual-positions guide-books. Within I found a position called the “ambush”. Everytime somebody says “ambush” now, I always think back to that diagram.

    It’s even more funny since you said I made myself available for an ambush.

    Time to think of something else.

  10. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    I hope R is a female

  11. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    I have found the most awesome piece of Communist propaganda ever….Dude this is classic!!!

    http://www.workers.org/ww/2005/tsunami0113.php

  12. R says:

    “I hope R is a female”

    Why? Are my posts effeminate in nature?

  13. TB says:

    The rain IS retarded down here at the moment. I know we’re big pussies down here in SoCal, but I’m almost to the point of marching up the emerald stairs and smackin god’s cock if he doesn’t knock it off with the wet stuff…

  14. Mexigogue says:

    Jeez! I write about Laverne and Shirley’s theme song and all we can muster to talk about are sex position ambushing and cocksmacking! I MUST HAVE BEEN A NAZI IN ANOTHER LIFE!!!!

  15. Phelps says:

    I’m probably the only one that got the joke about milking the bit. Don Sierra needs to put the audio vault back into the public part of russmartin.info and then seriously pimp and plug the premium subscription.

  16. Mexigogue says:

    I’m not kidding, that phrase really did pop into my head. I listen to the show in my mom’s presence and she swears she hates it but all the while she’s laughing her gold teefises out of her mouth!

  17. R says:

    I wonder if Nazis like cocksmacking…

  18. Phelps says:

    My mother does the same thing. She just keeps saying, “He’s so bad” but she doesn’t actually leave the room or ask me to turn it off.

  19. Phelps says:

    Oh, and you’ll start picking up more of the argot of the show as you keep listening. I tend to use crank, cans, and hose exclusively now insead of dick, tits and prank. And I often refer to myself as an average guy who enjoys salty language and a nice cup of joe.

  20. R says:

    Holy shit. I just saw the footage of the dude losing his grip on the rope and almost killing himself on the concrete.

    That’s one lucky motherfucker.

  21. TB says:

    they should have grabbed his cock.. poor guy.

  22. Mexigogue says:

    Classic mo fos. you all make me laugh.

    Damn this is just like the Russ Martin Show. Whatever people who come in here, it still works. In the beginning it was The Sicilian, Nice Rack, and Neil. Now it’s some new personas. We still have the old standards like Phelps, UNLV, Ghandi, and TB. Now we have new ones like Rae and R. This stuff just works no matter how we slice it. I like that.

    My apologies to anyone I left out. I’m buzzed.

  23. Brian says:

    I have a friend who says that when he dies, he wants to be cremated and put into pepper shakers in Waffle Houses all across the US. That’s better than dandruff in a parmesan cheese shaker, I think. But that’s just me.

  24. guy in the UNLV Jacket says:

    I want to be a fireman when I die

  25. R says:

    I just saw the coffee mug post. My apologies, but I wasn’t born back then so I couldn’t comment on it. I totally would have if I could. Trust me. I would have said something about drinking beer our of my coffee mug at work because I’m a goddamn bad-ass motherfucker like that. I bet y’all would have appreciated it.

  26. rae says:

    Like the new color scheme bro.