Am I Lion???

These are the news stories I live for. A twelve year old girl in Ethiopia who was kidnapped was rescued by three lions who chased the kidnappers away and then stayed with the girl until she was tracked down by family and police. Men kidnap and beat girl, men get chased off by lions, lions guard the girl until help arrives. An ass kicking story when the Divine Hand of Providence directs three Kings of the Jungle to rescue a girl in distress. Or is there a more rational explanation?

The most likely explanation is the same reason that people keep cats as housepets. The meowing of a kitten is similar in sound to the of an infant in distress. We regard cats as little dependants and we treat them accordingly. In this case the girl’s crying probably sounded similar to the mewing of a lion cub. The sound set off a maternal instinct in the lions and they moved in to protect her. Who among us wouldn’t step in to rescue a baby kitten from aggressive older cats?

In fact I’m 99% certain the lions were female. Whereas a baby’s cry sets off the maternal instinct in women, it normally sets off the “goddammit!” reaction in men. If those lions were dudes that chick would have been lunch. Guys don’t have that maternal reaction to crying. I mean I love my kids and all but thank God they’re not babies anymore. Shut the fuck up or I’ll shake the shit out of you!!!

I’m off track. Girl rescued by lions in an apparant act of animal altruism. Except it wasn’t altruism at all. The lions responded to an instinctive urge and they reacted in a way that would scratch their maternal itch. The kidnappers get thwarted, the girl is rescued, and the lions go away feeling like good people. Everyone is happy. Except me. I wanted the girl to live with the lions and turn feral. But oh well.

Update by Phelps:


26 Responses to “Am I Lion???”

  1. HMT says:

    Eerie that you post this in lieu of my bear story this morning.

    maybe I’ll meet this girl in the woods/jungle some day.. we’ll probably fuck..

    in 7 years that is.

  2. Cosmic Siren says:

    Actually, according to the real definition of altruism and not your warped one, it was altruism.

    I hate when people screw with definitions so they can’t be used for their intended purposes.

  3. Mexigogue says:

    My definition is the real one. The other one is the one for dirty hippies.

  4. Cosmic Siren says:

    You know what, dude. I’ve looked into the history of the word and I’ve read your BS on this for years and right now, I’m tired of laughing at it and thinking “The things people do to make themselves feel superior.”

    I have a few questions for you

    1) Suppose for a moment that altruism as you define it is possible, how would that affect your actions?

    2) Elsewhere you admit that acting in the interests of others can really benefit you. If that is the case, then what reasons do you have for not considering the effect your actions have on other people?

  5. Phelps says:

    I bet it wasn’t altruism under either definition. I bet the lions just wanted for themselves. I bet those lions were gonna run a train on her and then have her for lunch. They just got interupted.

  6. Mexigogue says:

    I do consider the effect my actions have on other people. I just don’t let the interests of others outweigh my own. There is a heirarchy: Me, blood relatives and down homies, then strangers last.

  7. Cosmic Siren says:

    That may be possible. Or maybe they were on a mission from God and if they didn’t, they would have been fried by lightning.

  8. Mexigogue says:

    And yes you’re right Phelps. They were gonna run a train. I bet that guy in the UNLV jacket classic was there.

    By classic I mean the original guy from 1991, not Gary.

  9. You mean to tell me that a Lion can’t tell a little girl from a lion cub? Come on get real. One of 2 things happened in this situation.

    1. The lions were out chillin and doing their lion thing and came across the kidnappers and little girl. The dudes saw the lions and ran off, thinking they were going to eat them, even though lions don’t usually attack large groups of humans. Then the lions did what lions do 20 hours of the day they laid down and chilled. The little girl figured the lions saved her and chilled with the lions. I love humans we figure everything that happens is always about us.

    2. Phelps Idea about the train. The lions had been watching the news about that Aruba mess and figured thet it wold be cool to run a train on a human and then eat her. BTW the original Guy in the UNLV jacket would have been there for that one. He is present at all trains even if some sort of bestiality is involved

  10. Mexigogue says:

    I e-mailed Phelps the other day and described the story of where that name came from. It was his idea to refer to that other guy as “Guy in the UNLV Jacket Classic” in order to distinguish between you two.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that lions watch the news.

  11. Citizen Quasar says:

    It’s all part of this thing about women and cats. Three lions surely need a VERY BIG litter box.

  12. Phelps says:

    Damnit, Guy, I’m reading this in the courtroom while the our cocounsel are conducting a very serious, very important cross, and this is fucking me up. I’m sitting here with my hand over my mouth, chewing the shit out of my tongue, eyes watering and breathing heavy. Peggy might get institutionalized, but I’m about to get thrown in federal pound me in the ass prison over these two poats.

  13. HMT says:

    laying down and chilling for 20 hours, running trains on bitches, eating other slower animals…

    fuck, I wanna be a lion.

  14. Black Woman says:

    I hate you Eddie! I hope you die! I hope you die and go to hell!

  15. Black Eddie says:

    Hey, why Mexigogue remove my quote?

  16. Black Eddie says:

    What I SAID was it don’t sound like HMT was describin’ a lion, it sound like he was describin’ a NIGGA!!!!

  17. I don’t know any nigga’s that eat slower animals, the ones I know mostly eat watermelon and peanut products……A$$ monkey!!!!!

  18. You had better sharpen your pool skills suka. I just got a plane ticket. I’ll be in Lansing August 5th-7th and the 14th..I’m coming to Leroy’s and lookin’ 4 U suka!!!!!!

  19. Phelps says:

    Look, Guy! You was right!

  20. Phelps says:

    Oh, and did you mean Orios or Oreos?

  21. Phelps says:

    Now hold on a second… who doesn’t like peanuts and watermelon? That’s like saying, “those Chinese people, always drinking that Coca Cola!”

  22. Mexigogue says:

    Cool! We play pool! Win ten more dolla against wanna be hustlas!

  23. HMT says:

    I’m fucken out of here..


  24. Man you motherfuckers are losing your minds!!! I am glad I dont reac the blog in the office anymore. I have been cracking up reading the last two of Mexi’s blogs over and over again!!!

    We better watch out before Al Qaeda starts smuggling people across the border with bombs and big hats!!!

    You guys crack me the fuck up!!!!!!!

  25. Jenn says:

    You guys are a bunch of crack heads. I love it, though.

    I think I’m gonna bye me some lions.

  26. Phelps says:

    Does that mean Jenn is buying her own train?