Imagining What’s Going On in the Celebrity Trials

“Mr. Mesereau, would you please inform your client that “Hee heeee!” is not a plea?” or:

“For the last time Mr. Jackson, two 9 year olds are not the legal equivalent of an 18-year old!”

Or in the R. Kelley case:

“Your honor, my client requests an adjournment. He has to stay home with his girlfriend because she has a half a day.”

One person who I think is getting a bad rap is Kobe. Especially when the prosecution was referring to the accusor as the “victim.” Whether or not she was a victim has yet to be established. If they are going to call her that during the trial, they might as well say “Will the rapist please rise!”

And I don’t like the rape shield laws. If you’re putting someone on trial for an accusation as serious as rape, his ability to defend himself must not be artificially hobbled. Whether or not a particular line of questioning is relevent should be decided by a judge on a case by case basis, not blanket ruled out by a law.

I just hope the prosecution doesn’t bring in highlights of Kobe’s games: “Look, there he is taking it to the hole! Forcing it in against the defense’s will! Bastard!”

Then the defense attorneys can show photos of Kobe’s injuries and say “Objection! My client was fouled on the way in! He should in fact get a free throw!”

Judge: A. . . a what??

Defense: You know, a shot to hit it again. An extra point!

Judge: You can’t be serious!

Defense: You know. Basket and the foul. AND ONE!!! WOO WOO WOO!! (pumping hand in the air)

Judge: Sidebar, NOW!

Man I wish I could go to the trial.

10 Responses to “Imagining What’s Going On in the Celebrity Trials”

  1. THE "D" says:

    So I would imagine that would give new meaning to the term getting a “T” right?

  2. The Sicilian says:

    Agreed, somewhere in the courtroom before facts are presented, Kobe has lost the “innocent until proven guilty” honor.

  3. Phelps says:

    Kobe is never going to trial. If it was anywhere but Colorado, it never would have made it past the DA looking at the file. She’s a groupie who got buyer’s remorse. The only downside is that when this is thrown out, they won’t go after her for filing a false report.

  4. THE "D" says:

    WHOO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Do you mean to tell me that if I am a groupie of let’s say………………………………………………Shania Twain there is a chance that I will get taken advantage of?? She might even force me to lick a nip or two huh?

    I am on my way to meet her now!

  5. Mexigogue says:

    You have a better shot at licking MARK Twain’s nipples than you do Shania’s! But we all must have our dreams. Damn the celebrities, I’ll settle for Stephanie the waitress. Or Lauri. Or Carol. Or her cousin. Or the Sicilian (and I don’t even know what she looks like.) Or the other karoake girl’s lesian girlfriend. etc. . . etc.. . . et al)

  6. THE "D" says:

    Yeah sometimes I would have to say that Stephanie is a work of art. But think about this for a minute and I am not saying this to be mean.

    A woman with alot on the ball will not give a male waiter the time of day most times. If she is feeling horny she might flirt probably 10% of the time.

    However, men will talk to the woman working at McDonalds or White Castles. Even worst we will try to explain to are sophisticated (ugly) female friends why this woman is so speacial to us. I mean guys with PHD’s, etc…… We don’t care as long as they are fine. I remember once I was going to marry this girl my freshmen year in college. I went off to Missouri and she was left in Detroit.

    The neighbors and friends told my mother what we were planning and the next thing I know my mother scares her and she moves to California. I don’t know what my mother said but the meeting lasted 4 hours and girl was sobbing when she left our house. (DAMN) Did I tell you that she looked like Lucy Lui mixed with a little Halle Berry? She was fine as hell —- I even caught my father checking her out.

    But she ended up with 4 kids by three different guys and divorced twice.

    So the moral of the story is ……………………………….Shit I don’t know because if she showed up today I would dump Linda and move in with her. She is fine as hell!!!!!!!

    What type of shit is that. God has played an evil trick on us!!

  7. Mexigogue says:

    Oh god!!!!!! classic misdirection. . . I didn’t know where you were going with that. . . . . . but I totally get that moral of the story too!!! I always tell people Monique has 5 kids by 6 different dudes!! You’d be surprised how many people miss that!

  8. The Sicilian says:

    I’m honored that I was included in that list of many women that I have clue who they are.

    By the way..”D”..not all women are that way. Okay, 99% are that way, I’m not sure where I was going with that.

  9. Mexigogue says:

    Stephanie is a waitress at the bar that I shoot pool for. Lauri is the karaoke girl at the same bar. Carol is my ex. Her cousin is her cousin (that’s a tautology!) The Sicilian is. . . . oh hell, you can figure the rest out yourself!! Suffice it to say it’s been a while!

  10. The Sicilian says:

    Pure wonderful evil…sorry, I finished the Sicilian part for you.