I’m issuing a fatwah, declaring a Jihaad against all Coffee Infidels! By Coffee Infidels, I mean those Disbelieving Fools who would dare Drink of the Last Cup of Coffee from the Office Coffee Pot and Shirk their Duty to Make a New Pot. Now, in Orthodox Islam, the term Shirk signifies the Greatest Sin which means to Associate Others with Allah (subhana wata’alla). But this coffee shirk, while not quite up the level of the Highest Sin, must be pretty damn high in and of itself and is worthy of some Horrible Punishment.

This is no idle mental exercise. I’m dealing with one such case in my office today. It got so bad I almost decided to stop participating in the coffee club here at work. . . But screw that, I’m not at fault. So I thought instead to issue a Fatwah and call forth Fire From the Sky on these Coffee Shirkers. Or at least gain assistance from Hamaas or somebody.

Those of you who have been on the losing end of the actions of one or more of these Coffee Infidels know what I mean. So it’s not quite a Fatwah if I have not set forth some sort of proposed punishment for these actions. I’ve thought of the old standard, burying the villian up to his neck in sand and then stoning him or removing his fingernails, making him listen to track after track of Spice Girl albums. . . . but I need something worse. So feel free to respond giving me new ideas. What should be the punishment for Coffee Shirkers?????? Come on, give me something bad. Real bad.

4 Responses to “COFFEE JIHAAD!!!!!!!”

  1. Phelps says:

    Camomile tea. Rectally, at a few thousand PSI. At pre-lawsuit McDonalds tempratures.


    My boldchile Mexigogue has issued a fatwa declaring COFFEE JIHAAD!!!!!!!. This is a holy war whose time has come. You know what happened to me today? I went into the break room after lunch for a cup. I thought, ‘Great!…

  3. Booga says:

    Forget Spice Girls.
    Yanni or John Tesh.

  4. DonJosé says:

    Have a coffee pot of your own beside the community one. That way, as the community one is not filled yours sits with lots of coffee in it. It’s the simplicity of temptation.

    Also have a sign above the table detailing the fatwah, outlining some horrible Sharia punishment for touching your coffee.

    Perhaps your own coffee pot is too much work. I dunno, I still think temptation is the way to go. I’m always pissed when some hottie in a tight skirt walks by and I am powerless to partake thereof.