Protect Us from Ourselves

I’ve championed the ideas of individual rights and the ideas of the founding fathers for years. Many people in the media, however, are declaring that this latest shooting in Colorado is a wake-up call and something must be done to protect the populace now, Constitution be damned. I’m tired of repeating the same arguments all the time so I agree, in the name of saving lives it’s time to change the bill of rights. I’d like to add some things first:

1) Repeal free speech: I know this is something that is inextricably linked with what it means to be American (some would also add what it means to be human) but let’s face it; sometimes free speech can have some bad consequences. People can use free speech to preach hatred and intolerance and in extreme cases words can convince a fucktard teenage girl to commit suicide so, in order to curtail these problems we need to shitcan free speech.

2) Right to bear arms must go: Somebody shot up a movie theater, this must never be allowed to happen again. I know that this will leave the elderly and single women sitting ducks for rape and robbery since bad guys will know that everyone is unprotected but everyone’s gonna just have to suck that one up, being at the mercy of thugs and rapists is the price we’re going to have to pay to prevent bad things from happening.

3) The prohibition of government using private homes to quarter soldiers must go. I’m not exactly sure why but I’m sure that in times of need this lousy bit of amendment will be a pain in the ass so let’s get rid of this one too.

4) Right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure? SEEYA! Just think how many bad guys we can catch if people can be searched anywhere, at any time, for no reason at all, especially blacks and Mexicans! If the life of one innocent person is saved (especially children because people get all over emotional about children) getting rid of this amendment will be well worth it.

5) The entitlement to due process including indictments requiring a grand jury and all that other legal mumbo jumbo? These are all things that sometimes benefit bad guys! Society will be much better off without them because we will see an end to bad guys getting off on trial via a technicality. How much you wanna bet lives will occasionally be saved if we ditch this right? Probably more per year than all the people that was in that movie theater. Fuck being American and having rights, let’s all be SAFE!

6) Right to a speedy trial. Riiiiiight, what trial? See last paragraph. Shitcan!

7) Trial by jury in civil cases: This isn’t neccessary anymore since we can now divine Truth by accessing the CNN and ABCNEWS.com message boards. CHUCK IT!

8) Forbidding excess bail and cruel and unusual punishment? This one we DEFINITELY must get rid of. If we torture prisoners that will make us more likely to get the truth because everybody knows people don’t lie under torture. Especially they don’t falsely implicate innocent people or even themselves under torture either. Hats off to 1980s Dallas Police for hipping us to this one.

So to sum up, lives can be saved, not just be giving up our right to bear arms, but by giving up at least eight of America’s Bill of Rights. Would you rather be American and free or would you rather be proactive and save lives? We can probably save up to 200 lives a year if we just give up every idea that this nation has held sacred and made it the greatest nation in the world. The Bill of Rights was good while it lasted but for God’s sake a tragedy has happened. We can ill afford to hold on to our great political ideals because HELLO!!! SOMEBODY SHOT UP A THEATER IN COLORADO! What’s it gonna be America?

2 Responses to “Protect Us from Ourselves”

  1. There ought to be a law or something that prohibits crazy people from getting weapons, any kind of stabby, smashy or shooty weapon. And then there should be another law that prohibits crazy people from taking those weapons into weapon free zones.

    Also, a law that prohibits crazy people from killing other people.

    (can’t even bear how often I’ve heard that *insert thing here* should be illegal.

  2. Phelps says:

    They could just go with repealing the 14th and all that incorporation business, and then mandate to the states that they all violate those rights at once, like they did with speed limits.

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