Just Walk Away

This story begins with an article I was reading in the Lansing State Journal online edition about a couple who was killed on the south side of Lansing. According to initial reports they died in an explosion when someone threw something through their front door but later reports indicated that autopsies were being performed to determine a cause of death. So I responded in the comments section:

Oh. I don’t think they’d be performing autopsies if they though the people died from the explosion. Maybe somebody murdered the people and then tried to destroy the house in order to destroy the evidence. How terribly sloppy. Lansing needs better criminals.

After that somebody else responded seeking to clarify the issue:

no, autopsies are automatically ordered when cause of death isnt ‘natural’.

After which I decided (for some inexplicable reason) to clown. I commented:

Jesus’ death wasn’t natural, yet no autopsy was performed, which was a big part of the reason he was able to escape. Explain that!

Ok, here is where I’m going to interrupt my narrative. Exactly what part of that comment appears like a serious argument? In my mind, when somebody says something as absurd as what I just said, it is pointless to attempt to attempt a serious rebuttal because any further discussion is likely going to devolve quickly. Against what appears to be common sense, somebody else types:

Because Jesus was born over 2,000 years ago and they didn’t perform autopsies back then? Also, many sects of Judaism don’t allow for their followers to have autopsies, so even if Jesus was alive right now, he may not even have an autopsy.

Also, your question was very useless and has nothing to do with what is being discussed.
(my emphasis added)

Of course in attempting to refute me, this person made a critical semantic blunder which I naturally jump all over:


Well I would hope Jesus wouldn’t get autopsied if he were alive. What kind of hospital are you runnin’ anyway????

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4 Responses to “Just Walk Away”

  1. Phelps says:

    See, if Judea had single-payer healthcare, then Jesus would be dead and would get his desperately needed and medically necessary autopsy.

  2. mexigogue says:

    I for one do not believe that Jesus was actually resurrected because if he was he should have went around scaring people. That’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do.

  3. Phelps says:

    Actually, that’s what the Doubting Thomas story is about. First Thomas ran, and then he thought it was a trick.

  4. Phelps says:

    I would like to revisit this point to mention that the people in the bible tended to handle shit a lot saner than believers do now, and even give people in the bible shit for it (like doubting Thomas.) I mean, seriously, if someone you know died, was declared dead, and then shows up with his death wounds still on him, WTF are you going to do? Just call me Doubting Phelps right now, cuz I’m gonna go run and get my Zombie Apocalypse Shotgun.

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