Presidential Debates

The thing that is at once the greatest strength and the greatest weakness of the United States political system is the fact that Presidential candidates must win favor in the eyes of The People. It is the greatest strength because no person can merely assume power on the basis of commanding extreme loyalty among the military, such as in a military coup, but it is also the greatest weakness because putting things to a vote is to cater to the lowest common denominator.

For example, imagine an episode of Jeapardy where every question is put to a vote by the viewing audience. Just such a case would end disastrously because the collective whole of humanity is exactly average. People complain about double-talking politicians and dummied down political blather and slogans, but the fact is that in a general election any intelligent discourse is going to blow right by the average voter. As a nation, we will never again have anything like the Lincoln/Douglas debates because it would be a waste of time as people are too stupid to understand it. In fact, if modern political handlers could go back in time and advise those two candidates in that time, the debates would have taken on an entirely different flavor indeed. It would have gone something like this:

Douglas: Popular Sovereignty replaces the Missouri compromise, that’s my thing. I believe that my opponent, while being well intentioned, is incorrect in his interpretation of that and that he also misreads the will of the American people. I now hand the floor back over to Mr. Lincoln.

Lincoln: Thanks slave.

Douglas: I’m not a slave, you’re a slave. In fact you love slaves and want to marry one.

Lincoln: Shut up gay-wad. You’re talking nonsense.

Douglas: You shut up. You‘re gay.

Lincoln: Your face is gay.

Douglas: Shouldn’t you be at the theater? Oooh, burn!

Lincoln: I don’t see your face on the penny.

Douglas: They only let you on there to be contrary. In fact, you’re the only one on a coin facing the other way, what’s all that about?

Lincoln: Bitch, at least I’m on a penny. You better hope they put your ass on a foodstamp and then call it a day.

Douglas: Shut your ass up, I’m gonna win this debate, I’m gonna own you, and then go on to win the Presidency.

Lincoln: You need to get a history book, that’s what you need to do.

Douglas: N***a you don’t even LOOK Presidential. And what the hell is up with that hat?

Lincoln: So fucking what, I bought this hat with my own money, that’s what. And where’s your hat? While you’re talkin’!

Douglas: I don’t need a hat. If I wanted one, I would buy one. But not a big tall stupid one like that. You look like your gonna go and conduct a train or something. You don’t even realize how stupid you look.

Lincoln: So what? People don’t even have any idea what you look like. What does that tell you?

Douglas: You did drugs in college.

Lincoln: You’re on drugs right fucking now, you didn’t even GO to college, you went to fuckin’ LCC.

Douglas: And what do you think LCC is?

Lincoln: It ain’t college.

Douglas: The hell it ain’t!

Lincoln: Shit!

Douglas: Lansing Community COLLEGE! Hello-oo!!

Lincoln: Motherfucker, community college ain’t real college! What world you livin’ in?

Douglas: Your mom goes to college.

Lincoln: Fuck you.

Douglas: Your mom goes to college.

Lincoln: I see your lips movin’ but I don’t hear a goddamn thing!

Douglas: Yes you do. Your mom goes to college.

Lincoln: Say that again and I’ll be in your ass like R. Kelly at a slumber party. Go ahead test me. THINK I’m playin’.

Douglas: I just said it three times, your mom goes to college.

Lincoln: That’s tears it (throws the mic down).


3 Responses to “Presidential Debates”

  1. Hell. I’d like to see Obama and Hillary get that honest. Beeeeeeee-yotch.

  2. Dan Stowell says:

    Yeah,polititians and honesty,that’s like an episode of Friends actually being funny!

  3. Anglo-Sized says:

    Ha thats great. Now do Jesse Jackson and Slobodon Milosevic

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