teh Mexigogue

I just got back from Friend of the Court where my show cause case was dismissed because I proved that I have gotten (or have already begun the process of getting) my child support orders revised. That’s it, that’s the extent of Kim’s revenge. The whole thing ended with a nifty little poof because I’m not in the wrong, I have in fact been paying child support directly from my check for like 12 years, it was just a math problem and now it’s been fixed. Sorry about your luck, you might want to try going after me with a bat next time because I’m not in the wrong child-support wise so you won’t get me that way.

I have tomorrow off so I’m going to get them in tonight. If you’re reading this and unless I’ve specifically mentioned hating you within the last 12 months, I love you all. Except you Excludey.

Excludey: Awwwww!

Update:

What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Why would you waste perfectly good drugs on a child? This bitch NEEDS to go to prison!

Muhuhahahahahahhahahaa!!! A year and a half ago I damned the Wiggles to high hell and now it would appear that my curse has come to fruition. TAKE THAT YOU WIGGLY FUCKERS!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! HORNS!!!

1992

I had recently split up with my fiancee so I was back living with my mom and younger brother on Kilborn Street. The downstairs neighbor was a big chick and a thespian. At least I think she was because she was always having sex with the landlady’s daughter. Her name was Rochelle and she also had a heterosexual friend named Lachelle who was also a big chick. . . I mean a REAL big chick. Lachelle had pretty eyes (pure and innocent, like a cow’s) but she was just fucking big.

One day I’m sitting on the porch with my neighbor and her friend and Lachelle is smiling at me as if I was a sammich. I’m drinking my second forty of Colt 45 and the more I drink the narrower she got until it was the point where she was only chunky. One thing led to another and we started making out. We didn’t have anywhere to go so we did it in her red sports car which was a feat in and of itself because I would have had to be two people in order to get my arms around her. There was so much weight bouncing the car up and down I thought the hubcaps were gonna all pop off at once and the windows were rolled up so I couldn’t breathe. This relationship went on for about a week.

You know what, I don’t think I should tell this story. I’d better stop before this becomes degrading. Anway how’s everybody else doing? I got tomorrow off cuz I gotta use leave time before the New Year or lose it. What’s up with y’all?

*editor’s note: sometimes, when remembering things that happened a decade or more ago I might mix up dates by a year or so. My “The Day That” stories might be factually inacurrate regarding a strict timeline but any such instance would be a mistake is not intentional.

Phelps is in Cleveland.  Let’s give him some good advice on that great Midwestern tourist hubub.  Let’s see. . . .   Back when I accompanied King Kong my ex-wife to the Cleveland Clinic I noticed that everybody in Cleveland seems to be fat.  The locals often end up with health problems so they end up at the hospital.  Now I know I could stand to lose some weight my damn self but everybody there called me “Slim” so that should tell you something.  And then to top it all off, unless they’ve changed in the past three years, the hospital actually has a McDonalds in it.  Way to keep the return business.  Anyway that’s a great place to go if you’re into scoping out teh fat people.  Hell I’d go there too if we weren’t shorthanded this week.

I have a whole bunch of the symptoms for clinical depression but strangely I’m not sad.  I just no longer enjoy doing the things I used to and I haven’t found anything I like to do lately except play video games and sleep.  I don’t want to be on medications because I think it’s wrong to alter your mind with chemicals.  Speaking of which I need to get one of these so I can make the cork sound when I drink liquor just like Russ Martin does on his show. Mmmmmm ethyl alcohol!

I can’t believe Michael Richards stooped to meeting with Jesse Jackson and I further can’t believe Jesse Jackson stooped to meeting with Michael Richards.  I hate them both so much I lament the wasted perfect opportunity for a grenade.  Sigh!

Out.

I had an audiorecording going last weekend and I forgot to turn it off.  When I was reviewing the tape I noticed I had picked up a piece of someone’s conversation.  Freaky!

Get one of these babies and pooping will no longer be a chore, it will be something you look forward to with much splendid eagerness, kind of like when you were three or like if you’re an old person of any age.  These make great stocking stuffers.  The greatest advancement in bathroom paraphanalia since the Sunday newspaper ads!

My daughter was watching a television program with her mother.  The subject was when parents disapprove of their children’s love interest.  At the beginning of the program the mother said “I hate when it’s about gay people.”  My daughter said “There’s nothing wrong with being gay.”  Her mother snaps back “Why would you say that?? Are YOU gay???” My daughter says no.

My daughter tells me this story and I say “Do you have to be a Jew to think that there’s nothing wrong with being Jewish? Why does who you are have to have any bearing on what you believe?” My daughter says “My mom says gay is wrong because she thinks it’s gross.”  I said “Some people think black people having sex with anybody is gross.  Does that mean that’s wrong? Why should visceral feelings of grossness even enter into the picture? You can think gay is gross, you may even think it’s funny, and as a free individual you might even point and laugh.  But your personal feelings don’t mean that homosexuality is wrong and should be outlawed.”

The funny thing about this exchange is that my daughter is intuitively right about this issue whereas her mother is on the side of wrong.  The reason for this is because my daughter has been reading about the scientific studies done on this issue whereas her mom has been using The Bible as if it were a serious textbook.  In fact my daughter, doing some research on her own, pulled up a Wikipedia page what shows that animals such as Bonobos engage in same sex behavior.  This would argue against the idea that homosexuality is “unnatural” as if it were so it would not exist in nature.  I said to my daughter I wonder if your mom thinks there’s a section in hell reserved for homosexual Bonobos. 

Haha, Bonobos.  There is no subject so funny that inserting monkeys into the argument can’t make it funnier!

I’ll never die.  I was thinking about this the other day, about the fact that when I was younger I used to get panic attacks, imagining that my heart was about to stop and I’d begin hyperventilating.  I used to worry that I would get a sponaneous aneurism and just keel over but the more I think of it, every time I check I’m still alive.  And as long as I’m checking (in the future) I will STILL be alive.  Awareness of ones own death would require life which would be illogical, ergo, as far as I’m concerned, I will never die.  At the most I will go through the process of dying but I can do any ridiculous and retarded move that I want and I will never be dead (to me) so fuck you all!

Given that last thought I was just about to go and do a bunch of motorcycle stunts but it just occured to me that a) I still might get hurt real bad and b) I don’t own a motorcyle so I gonna table that last line of reasoning there.  I will, however, eat fried chicken for lunch with nary a concern with transfatty watchcalls.  Take that Angel of Death, you don’t be got no sting!

Furthermore, why is everybody mad at O.J.? Yes, maybe he went a little bit overboard in killing two people but for God’s sake he WON THE HEISMAN TROPHY PEOPLE!!! AND RUSHED FOR (I can’t believe I have to repeat myself because I’m certain I’ve pointed this out before) 2,003 YARDS IN A 14 GAME SEASON!!! DOESN’T THAT OUTWEIGH ONE OUTBURST??? WHAT DID HE RUIN L.A.’S RAP AS A CRIMELESS CITY????

In other news if that’s you Halima who is hitting the blog from Detroit lately to see if I’m going to write anything about you regarding our FOC issues, I assure you I am not.  I’m not even mad at you anymore so you don’t have to waste your time reading this site to make sure I don’t say anything negative about you.  I’m not mad at you, I don’t hate you, I NOTHING you.  And that’s where that ends, there’s no reason for me to be petty. 

P.S.  You overcooked that steak in 1999 (an HOUR??? WTF???) but I ate it anyway because I didn’t want you to feel bad.  I think I got mesothelioma from the rapid oxidization.  Ok I won’t say anything bad after THAT!

Oh my God. . . Ghandi from the D finally posted. Everybody hit it up!!!!!

I was at our office’s annual meeting a couple weeks ago when I was looking for a breakout session to attend. I followed Kelley into one and I found out I had accidently gotten into a training about women in the Latino community. Once the door shut behind me it was too late to escape so I sat there with pen in hand and decided to learn about the Latino world.

The two women presenting were big Mexican women. They were so big, in fact, that I couldn’t pay attention to the presentation as I kept expecting them to start making tortillas. They did not, however, and pretty soon I started listening to what they had to say. They were talking about how Latino men are all possessive and domineering and about how they often don’t allow their women to work outside the home. They also said that the men often threaten their illegal immigrant girlfriends with calling immigration on them. I thought that was rather clever.

I would have taken some notes but I was too busy writing down their contact information so I could get ahold of their boyfriends and say waddup with letting your women out?

The rest of the meeting was uneventful. Here are my notes.  I’m glad I know all about Mexicans now.