What a great weekend. I hung out with Monique. As many of you may already know up until recently I thought that she was not speaking to me forever until the end of time but on Friday we came up with an agreement which would patch things up between us so that things could be cool between us once again. Everything is fixed and for the better so I’m back to normal now just like old times! All right!
Yeah ok so WNBA All-Star Cheryl Swoopes holds a press conference announcing she’s a lesbian and the press eats it up. But I’m all about verifying my facts so I don’t buy it just yet. SHOW AND PROVE IT (ideally in some scenario involving tennis phenom Maria Sharapova who is not lesbian but who I’m hoping won’t mind serving as the object of some lesbianage/counter lesbianage).
Jim Darkness wants to know what’s on my desk. I am sorry to report that that is nothing new or unusual to add since I last posted the things on my desk back in November of last year. New office, same old stuff. Nothing much changes as I’m a creature of habit.
Air Force College football coach Fisher DeBerry was reprimanded for saying black players make better runners than white players. He was quoted bemoaning his team’s running woes saying that you don’t see very many minority players in his program. Air Force athletic director Hans Meuh called the remarks inappropriate saying “What we’re talking about is speed. There’s speed that cuts across black, white, gray, blue, whatever. It was just an inappropriate comment and you all know it was an inappropriate comment.”
Let’s see. Some of the speediest NFL runningbacks of all time: O.J. Simpson, Barry Sanders, Marcus Allen, Gayle Sayers, etc. To be sure there are some great white players in the backfield but the ones who come to mind were more power runners, guys like John Riggins, Larry Czonka, and Rocky Bleier. Was the Air Force football coach reprimanded because he didn’t have a point or because he had one? And for crying out loud, it’s not like he said they drink malt liquor and eat chicken (mmmm, chicken!), he said they were speedy. Of all the generalizations that go around I think that one is pretty benign. One the surface the point seems to have merit and I don’t think it warranted a reprimand.
Back to hot female atheletes: I think the 16 year old golf phenom Michelle Wie is hot. In fact since she’s about six foot tall she would probably be a better lesbianage target for the hoopster Cheryl Swoops. Plus (and here is where we tie back into atheletic and race generalities) since Wie is Asian we could have Cheryl swoop down on her and then settle once and for all whether or not she’s hungry an hour later.
Nothing but net!!!
Our office, which hitherto had existed in a leased office in Okemos, now resides in downtown Lansing on the 9th and 10th floors of X building. The other day I got a call from one of my co-workers on the other floor asking for interoffice envelopes. I told her I had some and I said I could bring them to her.
“Just put them in the tube” she said, “and send them to me.”
“The tube? What tube?”
“We have a tube up at the front like they use in banks. You can send stuff from the 9th to the 10th floor and back.”
Sweet! This new office rocks!
I grab the interoffice envelopes and go up to the front and ask the receptionist where the tube is.
“The tube? What tube?”
I explain to this n00b that we have a tube like they use in banks. Evidently she doesn’t know anything about it. I can’t believe she doesn’t know, she needs to get on the ball. I ask someone else. They don’t know either. I ask the Executive Secretary. She will certainly know as she has been familiar with the floor plan from when we were still at the old building. Another blank look. In fact nobody has any idea what I’m talking about and now everybody’s staring at me. Finally it dawns on me:
There is no tube, there never was. I’ve been had.
The moral of this story, dear readers, is never trust people. Because they SUCK!!! As practical jokes go that wasn’t even that funny. And it certainly wasn’t practical. Now pushing a co-worker from a 9th story window and chucking a box of interoffice envelopes out after them. THAT’S priceless!!
A CNN video regarding black on Hispanic attacks in Georgia asks whether these are hate crimes. You can view the report by going to this page and looking for the free video clip are in the middle of the page. The long and short of it is Hispanics in migrant communities have been targeted by a group of black dudes who have been committing murders, rapes, and robberies in the migrant areas.
Three suspects have been apprehended but the big question in the CNN story is whether or not these were hate crimes. My question is who gives a rat’s ass? These are capital crimes and if these dudes are found guilty they should get the chair. Race should not even factor into it. What difference does someone’s motive make when they are raping and murdering you? It’s not like you’ll breathe a big sigh of relief if you find you are being raped and murdered for non race related reasons. Jeez!
That is all.
My office moved and I’m finally done unpacking in my brand new space. I brought all the stuff to make this spot uniquely mine. Kung fu picture I drew on 8-23-01 taped to the wall? Check:
Big bosom sword chick drawing put up as well? Check. Ariela the Warrior Nun action figure complete with claw, sword and hooker boots? Double check! Eastern European dude in the hall fixing my elevator? Czech. Everything is going according to plan.
I have more coffee cups than I can use. In fact I only use my battle tested Islamic coffee cup I bought in Dearborn in 1997 which is now missing a handle because I accidently wacked it on my way out of the cube one day (that’s an old picture). Rather than bury it and pronounce it shaheed I still use it to this day sans handle even though I have four other mugs at my disposal. But who wants to use a cup that says Michigan AIDS Task Force, Sheshiang Garden, or (god forbid) one with a picture of Frosty the Snowman getting jiggy with the season?
My kung fu guy is throwing a punch kind of off balance but he’s still kind of ok. I think it’s a distracting move to keep his enemy off balance while he tries to think of a plan.
This grabbed my attention. A sheriff’s deputy in Chino California is on trial for allegedly drawing a firearm on a group of golfers that were ahead of him and playing too slow. Man that reminded me of John Goodman pulling a piece on this other guy in The Big Lebowski over a rules dispute during league bowling! Normally I’m against people initiating force or the threat thereof but I really hate slow people so this guy gets a pass. Unfortunately instead of being awarded the Medal of Honor for speeding up the game this guy is facing criminal charges. A victory for slow people everywhere.
In related news I’m kicking a$$ in the Tiger Woods game. I just beat Seve Ballesteros, Arnold Palmer, and Jack Nicholas (or Nicholas Cage?) in the game yesterday. I’m so great because I’ve used almost all my winnings to buy more skill and power. The only bling my character has is gold capped teeth and Cuban Zirchonian earrings. I’m a monster!!!
Today is the day of the office move. All our gear is packed and ready to go. Now I have to unhook the keyboard and mouse so I’ll be away from blogging til I don’t know because my kids monopolize the home computer on the weekend. Don’t you b7tches use this opportunity to be calling me all kinds of foul names in the comments or Vishnu will get you! She got enough arms to be slapping the shit out of you and throwing horns for the camera at the same time too. GET THE CABERNETS IN!!!!
At the request of Linny here is a religious post:
Goddamit, I accidently wore my shirt on inside out to work today. That makes twice in the past six months.
In the news some Katrina refugee won $25,000 on an Oklahoma scratch off ticket. That’s not the good part though. The good part is the guy says he wants to use the money to buy a restaurant. His wife says no, they can buy a house first and get a restaurant later. On $25,000??? Yeah, IN 1920 MAYBE!!! If they really want to dream big I say they use that money to buy the world’s most giant hat so they can pass it around and ask for handouts because they are a LONG way from restaurant and house money. But seriously. Those silly refugees and their meager understanding!
I had this hellafied dream last night about Sonya Blair who I knew in high school. Good God Almighty (see, it’s a religious post)! That is one fine chick if I’m still dreaming about her 21 years after freshman year Mrs. Sage’s class first hour 3rd floor right side of the classroom. I still remember that rose I sent her anonymously for sweetest day. I am reminded of the scene in Napoleon Dynamite where Pedro builds a cake for Summer Wheatly, leaves it on her porch, rings the doorbell and takes off running. I am fucking smoothe!
One thing I don’t miss about high school was all the stupid acronyms. Mystifying stuff written at the bottom of letters like TTYL (talk to you later), SSS (sorry so sloppy), WBS (write back soon), and XOXOXOXOX (apparantly some weird football play). Good thing I don’t have to deal with stupid code like some stupid n00b anymore because OMFG that is the LOL pwn3d!!!
I also remember the end of freshman year when I was trying to work up the nerve to get Sonya to sign my yearbook. It took like all fucking day of talking myself into it and finally I just walked up to her and shoved the yearbook and pen in her face and asked for her autograph. She laughed like some famous supermodel and took a long time writing something in there. This was unexpected, I only was hoping for her name. When she finally gave it back I threw the book open and it said:
Hey Michael nice being classmates with you class of ‘88 stay sweet!
Oh great, I thought. She thinks I’m a fruit.
Ahh the ninth grade. Those were the best two years of my life! I can say with pride that I never once went to any stupid proms or school dances or anything like that. That’s too conformist for me which you might think would mean that I’m supposed to be a goth but they conform too much in their own non conformist way. No, I was not a jock, a preppy, a goth, a burnout, a geek, or even the class clown. I was the person who didn’t go along with the crowd. Fast forward 21 years and I’m the guy showing up to work with his shirt on inside-out.
Goddamit.
I’m having a bad day. I took the morning off to recover from going to see my daughter’s choir concert. Then when I get to work I find that the motherf*cking computer people came and took all our surplus computers on the only half day I wasn’t here. I was supposed to ask them to leave two of them and I’ve been waiting for them for a week. They don’t show up on any of the days I’m here waiting for them, they show up the half day I’m gone. I hope they get raped by rabid Quakers who just can’t take it anymore!
I’ve been looking at fanart while I’m bored waiting to see if anybody comments on my Adam & Eve/Mewtwo pic. Instead I bumped into somebody else’s drawing and I had to comment on it. Check it out, my comment is listed under the name “Jones_Lee”. It’s really not all that great but it’s a slow day and I’m bored.
By the way the new blog banner comes courtesy of Cosmic Siren.
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